The 'Good' Cancer

The Lord Bless You and Keep You

2010-07-17T19:52:00.000-07:00

Crying

2010-07-17T18:06:00.001-07:00

Bird Girl was sculpted in the 1930s by Sylvia Shaw Judson. This Bird Girl, in a Savannah cemetery, is one of four that she made. This photo was taken by Jack Leigh for the book cover of the book,

'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil.'

I kind of feel like her a lot of the time.

The Strange and

Changing Character of Crying

Driving Crying

Trigger: A wandering thought process or a song on the radio

Description: Tears typically flood the eyes, the sinuses get congested, and there are a few tears that slide down the cheeks

Duration: One of 3 possibilities: 1) the car ride, 2) when you're done crying, or 3) when you stop yourself from crying because either a) it's impeding on your driving ability, or b) you're in traffic and people are staring

My number: Around 30

Invisible Cry

Trigger: Somebody talking fast and for a while

Description: I look at the person talking fast, and for a while, and then ask them to repeat their story. There are no tears, no accelerated breathing, but my eyes are bloodshot.

Duration: A few minutes

My number: 10 or so

Pre-Sleep Crying

Trigger: A smell. Because you know better than to think about a dead loved one before bed

Description: The kind of cry that toddlers have. Crying consists of heaves, gasps, quivering lips, free-flowing tears, congested sinuses, and generally uncontrollable sounds. It might wake the neighbors.

Duration: 5 to 30 minutes

My Number: 2

Post-Sleep Crying

Trigger: Dreams

Description: A deep grief-cry. Hot tears bubble up, there's a spattering of tears, and a general sense of "shit! This sucks!" pervades the face so deeply you can feel your eyebrows quiver as if you've got caterpillars on your forehead.

Duration: 1-5 minutes

My number: 2-3

Work Crying

Trigger: A hard day at work

Description: A few tears (sometimes hot and sometimes cold) fill your eyes. Lips are bitten, breathing is slowed and heavy so as to muffle any potential sounds, walls are looked at with intense interest, or trash cans are suddenly in need of deep cleaning which require you to bury your head in them.

Duration: Around 1 minute

My number: About 10

Laughter Crying

Trigger: Laughing and then immediately a thought pops into your head: ____ is dead.

Description: Face is up and laughing, then suddenly turned down or to the side, with eyes staring out into the distance, whereupon tears (hot or normal temperature) fill your eyes. Tears generally run hot when thinking, "he's not coming back" but normal temperature when thinking about any other aspect of the death

Duration: A few seconds to a few minutes

My number: Countless

Angry Cry

Trigger: When somebody/something has pissed you off

Description: Tears always end up in your mouth and flying off your head, making you feel like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.

Duration: A few minutes

My number: 1-2

Finish Your Make-Up Cry

(contributed by Mom and Jo since I always 'forget' to wear makeup)

Trigger: Finishing your make-up and thinking about Dad

Description: Long streams of tears flowing out of each eye and down the cheeks on single tracks. Think Smokey Robinson's line in that song, "tracks of my tears"

Duration: Frustratingly long enough to mess up your makeup.

My number: 0

Mom's number: Around 25

June 26 - Wine Tasting

2010-07-04T20:36:00.000-07:00

Father's Day

2010-06-20T23:10:00.000-07:00

I said yesterday that I would write a happy post today.

I didn't think Father's Day would upset me.

Just another day.

But, today I cried big ol' tears every couple of hours.

Then I saw this at Safeway - and it gave me a bitter laugh.

Abide With Me

2010-06-19T22:16:00.000-07:00

I've had this song stuck in my head the last couple of days. Of course I don't remember the lyrics. I'm not some kind of genius memorizing lady. I just sing, "Abide with Me" and hum the rest. I played this and hummed it for Dad in his last weeks. Tomorrow - a happier post.

Promise.

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;
The darkness deepens; Lord, with me abide;
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,
Help of the helpless, oh, abide with me.
Swift to its close ebbs out life’s little day;
Earth’s joys grow dim, its glories pass away;
Change and decay in all around I see—
O Thou who changest not, abide with me.
I need Thy presence every passing hour;
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter’s pow’r?
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.
I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness;
Where is death’s sting? Where, grave, thy victory?
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.
Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies;
Heav’n’s morning breaks, and earth’s vain shadows flee;
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

Berkeley

2010-06-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

What I remember of Dad in Berkeley

I don't remember moving there, I don't remember unpacking, I don't remember leaving. I was, after all, around 3 years old when we arrived. And we were only there for 3 years. Dad brought us there so he could study at the

Pacific School of Religion.

At my dad's graduation from PSR I remember looking at everybody and thinking, "they read a lot of books." and "people who go to a lot of school wear black robes."

From the picture below, it looks like I wasn't interested at all. I was. Just easily bored.

The typewriter was always on the dining room table - but I don't remember ever seeing him sit there and type. Since Mom worked 9-5, and Dad was a student, I can gather that during all those hours Jo and I spent watching CHiPs, Laverne & Shirley, and Happy Days, Dad was in the dining room on that typewriter, or reading somewhere in the apartment.

In the hours between us getting out of school and Mom coming home, Jo and I would eat and play at LeVal's while Dad studied. There were green footprints painted on the sidewalk on the way to LeVal's, and everytime we walked there, Jo and I would jump from step to step and squeel back at home, "LOOK, DAD!!!!!"

There was an Indian family who lived right next to campus and for a period, Dad took me there and the mother babysat me while he went off and did something. Every time he dropped me off I clung to his leg for him not to leave me. Of course, by the time he picked me up I was fine. But I just remember clinging to his leg every single time.

There was also a basketball court near campus, and he and Jo would toss a basketball around while I ran around doing something or other. Basketball was he and Jo's thing.

When I came home on the bus after kindergarten, he would greet me at the corner. I'd either climb up or he'd lift lift me up onto the retaining wall, as we walked south on Virginia St., the block or so back home. I don't remember his face for that memory - just his chest to his feet.

In the mornings, he'd put my shoes on because he was the only one patient enough to do it the 3 or so times I required the ritual. I had him get my socks just right on my feet so that the ribbed seam wouldn't irritate my toes. He was patient the 1st time I kicked and screamed and ripped them off. Patient the 2nd time I did the same. The 3rd time I'd hear "CAROLINE!" and he'd shake my leg. I'd calm down. But not because I was scared, but because he finally had put the socks on correctly.

On a sunny afternoon, I leaned against the Harrison table in the living room, in a very grown-up way, while I ate a grape slushie snack, and listened to him as he stood across the room and told me about how it went with Won -he was taken back to the SPCA because he wouldn't stop spraying my mother's curtains. Again - I don't remember Dad's face.

Sometimes after school, dad would take me to get a cookie at the Virginia Bakery. And sometimes, to get a snicker bar at the Safeway on Shattuck.

I remember spending a lot of time in bookstores with Dad. We'd enter the store and I'd run to the children's section and he'd go off and browse his books. I don't remember reading books together but I remember thinking that it was "our thing."

I don't remember when the picture below was was taken, but I remember getting dressed and primped for it, and I remember looking at the pictures in the book on my own, just staring at them for hours and hours it seemed like. I don't remember Dad reading me the book, but I remember that it was read to me.

One day there was a big festival and bbq. I think for Cinco de Mayo. Dad painted my face and my sister's face. I sat and ate under a tree and watched he and my mother talk

Arch St., the street leading up to our apartment, was very steep. It's steep now, so of course to my little body back then, it was practically un-walkable. Almost every time we drove up, Jo and I would go "Whoaaaaaa!!!" and Dad would laugh heartily.

And that's what I remember of Dad in Berkeley.

Organizing Pain, Keeping It in Perspective

2010-06-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

I said a few posts ago that I would go through what happened between when dad's spine collapsed and when he died. As I do so, one thing I keep having to remind myself while I write here is that my Dad's experience is not necessarily what others experienced, and it won't necessarily be what your dad experiences (if he has terminal Prostate Cancer). For example, when dad died, he was on the equivalent of 1200 mgs of morphine per day. The hospice nurse said we had the record for narcotics, as far as he could tell. He also said that's NOT normal.

Another example we know through my mother's membership in an online ladies' forum. She knows of women who have husbands who had the beginnings of spinal chord compression, and they had surgery to stabilize the spine. See? Not the same as my dad. With my dad, surgery wasn't an option because his other bone mets were way too advanced.

A clearer way to explain this: a man can have Hormone Refractory Prostate Cancer, but not as extensive bone mets as my dad did. That man would have more options than my dad.

And now an EVEN CLEARER way to think of it: Prostate Cancer classification is like a loaf of bread that has been cut into many slices.

Slice 1-5 = Stage 1
Slice 6-10 = Stage 2
Slice 11-15 = Stage 3
Slice 16-20 = Stage 4.

My dad was diagnosed at Slice 19. Your dad might be diagnosed at Slice 16.

There is a LOT of difference between Slice 16 and Slice 20.

This was just an example though. Here's the real deal:

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/cri/content/cri_2_4_3x_how_is_prostate_cancer_staged_36.asp
All this to say: as soon as Dad was diagnosed, we couldn't keep up with his meds.

Before Dad entered hospice, he was taking dozens of pills a day, sometimes whole handfuls at a time. It was hard to keep track of everything. I worried that it was too much. The wife of my pastor, who is a doctor, assured me in so many words: when somebody is at this stage, you're not concerned about drug abuse. So, as the drugs kept piling up, Mom made a spreadsheet so we could keep everything straight.

Here's the spreadsheet that Mom made. Purple = Pain. Green = Breakthrough Pain. Blue = Steroid. Yellow = Water Pill. Orange = Cholestoral. Nothing = Vitamins and Others

And I dumped out a container that had been used to put sewing thread in, and put pills in the compartments. When we gave the pills to him, we gave them to him in a black bowl. This minimized dropped pills. When you have bone mets, every pain pill matters

Hildi

2010-06-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

Dream - Finally

2010-06-12T08:36:00.001-07:00

I haven't dreamt about Dad at all since he died. Absolutely nothing. Besides one. About a month ago there was one where people I knew all gave me the "sad face" in sympathy. But that was it, after that I was on to something else in the dream.

Last night though I did have something closer.

I was dying. I don't know how old I was. People were around me. I was agitated. I kept thinking and saying,

I want to see Dad....I WANT TO SEE Dad

People were trying to shush me and they wouldn't listen to me. I was ready to GO.

And all of a sudden, the BRIGHTEST wall of light came rushing at me.

And I was instantly calm.

It wasn't a room, it was just bright, all around me. The brightest parts were on my right and left. As soon as my eyes adjusted and I realized what was happening, that was dead, I realized I couldn't go any futher. I wasn't trapped, I just couldn't go any futher.

Then my brain - not somebody else definitely not me - told me,

Wake up. Wake Up Now. Make sure you're not dead.

My eyes flipped open and I was still in my room and I didn't hear anything. My breathing was regular and my heart rate was normal.

I immediately fell back asleep.

Hildi

2010-06-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

February 2010

April 2009

Four years ago, Dad started a kennel for the breed he fell in love with: the Tibetan Spaniel. http://vickford.com/ He took Baxter to dog shows all over Northern California and even to the national specialty shows.

I was never and am still not as into the dog fancy as he was. I'm not against it, I'd just rather do other things with my time. I was so happy I got to see him be so happy while doing it all. Right after he started showing Baxter, I went with him to a dog show in Montery County. Dad and I FROZE OUR ASSES off that weekend. It was heavy, DRIPPY fog ALL DAY LONG. Literally. Could. Not. Get. Warm. Insult to injury: I went back to work on Monday with the worst sunburn on my face I had ever had. Fog: 1, Caroline: 0

After Dad did the show circuit for a few years, and Chloe and Ali went to forever homes, and dad decided it was time to get a foundation bitch for his kennel. He was due to get a puppy in late fall 08. But when he was diagnosed, he had to withdraw his name from consideration by that breeder. He also waited SO patiently for a bitch from Wassong Kennel. Finally, last fall, we heard that Goldie was pregnant. If Goldie had a show-quality bitch, Dad was first on the list. After a litter of ALL BOYS, Goldie whelped her second litter, and among them was our Hildi. She was born in early November 09.

As Dad's cancer continued to progress though, my mom, Jo and I were uneasy about bringing another dog into the house. With everything going on, we doubted Dad's ability to care for her. And we REALLY doubted that we'd have the time or skill to take on a puppy.

But, Dad kept his insistance that we get not only Hildi but another bitch. We relented. It was giving him something to look forward to. The day we got dad's first hospital bed delivered to our house - February 19 - we also got Hildi. Was that day traumatizing? Why yes. YES IT WAS. The week before we got her, Dad was able to get around on a cane and wasn't throwing up that much. He had started radiation to his spine but he was still 'OK.' The night we picked her up at the airport, he couldn't stop throwing up and he couldn't get out of the car to greet her. Jo said that she'll never forget the look of disappointment on his face.

We brought Hildi home about 10pm and we spent a couple of hours getting her introduced to the family room. Baxter was SO GOOD with her - sniffing her but stayed a distance. We all went to bed - dad in his easy chair and Hildi and Baxter in their crates and me on the couch.

Dad would watch Baxter and Hildi play while he sat in his chair. We watched a ridiculously long DVD that explained how to evaluate dogs, and at his request I got out random dog grooming tools and books from the garage.

When dad started sleeping in the hospital bed every night, and we'd have left Baxter in his crate next to Dad's bed, Joanna, Mom, and I would come into the family room after we told Dad goodnight, and cry and pass Hildi around.

So, Hildi was a huge comfort in those first weeks when Dad needed Baxter more than us.

Wassong's Ambrier's Nashua at Vickford, or Hildi as we call her, has the potential to be a GREAT show dog.

At 4 months old, she was already able to learn, rather quickly, that as I walked her on her leash, if I stopped then she stopped and if I moved then she could start to move again. She moved conflidently, her tail was up, and she looked at people with love and affection!

Then.... her teenage years hit. Hildi now thinks she is the boss of any dog who is her size or smaller. She does not want Baxter to even GLANCE at her while she's eating. She does not give up when she wants something.

Hildi and I are now in conformation class every tuesday. I went to our first class tonight. Hildi wasn't (surprise, surprise, she's only 7 months old) a perfect showdog that I wanted her to be. I started crying, for the first time in a while. I had questions that I could have asked of people there, but I didn't want their advice. I wanted HIS advice and I couldn't get it. At the same time, I was resenting him and getting angry because I didn't want to resent him for making us promise to do this. Because even though dog shows aren't my thing - he asked us to do it, so of course I will be making it my thing until Hildi gets to put that Ch. in front of her name. Hot tears were running down my cheeks, under my sunglasses. I looked down and Hildi was looking back at me. I realized I could have had a Dad who promised me to take over the family accounting business even though I was a sculptor. That would've been worse, right?

So I sucked it up, wiped away my hot tears, and said to Hildi in a whisper, "Listen, bitch: we're getting this championship. COOKIE, COOKIE COOKIE!!!!!!!!"

Rocks Done

2010-05-31T21:40:00.000-07:00

I mowed the lawns and finished up removing the rocks from the backyard.

My wrists and forearms are about to fall off, they're so sore already.

But I spent 7 hours in almost total silence.

I love gardening....or rather...moving rocks? In any case, I'm glad I'm doing this.

Tucson

2010-05-31T08:33:00.000-07:00

Dad would actually be mortified that I'm posting this online. But, as they say: it's my website, and the subject of it is dead.

I can remember Dad wearing shorts 2 other times in my life. Once in Phoenix and the other time was in Kansas. Both days were around 115 degrees. I'm the same way. Fully clothed from head to toe until it hits 115. It's a modesty thing.

Pictures help me remember, but they can't capture everything. I'm afraid I'll forget. Afraid if I remember his illness I'll forget what he was like when he wasn't sick. Afraid if I just remember the years prior to November 08, I'll forget what really happened to him.

I recorded Dad while he talked about a few things before he died...when Joanna was born, his college years.. I think that's it. I was going to have him record what he knew about his Dad's side of the family, but something came up the day he was going to do it, and he wasn't well enough to do it in the days after that.

Anyway -

I was born in Tucson. I have just a few memories of my first 2 and a half years, when we lived there. Only one of them includes Dad.

1st: Dad used to tell me that malls had the coldest air so that's where they headed for respite from the 115 degree days when they lived in Tucson. I remember, when I was very little, a moment in a mall when Dad carried me while Joanna and Mom walked next to him. He had on one of those rough wool blazer jackets and the material scratched my face. But I was so tired I snuggled into his shoulder. It must not have been in the height of the summer because he was wearing it. But it must have been the spring of 86, I would have been 2 and a half years old, and that seems consistent with an age when you can retain a memory. I remember thinking something like: "I'm happy he's carrying me, I'm sleepy."

2nd: Crawling onto my parent's bed in Tucson and rolling around. The fabric was kind of shiny (not silk sheets - ugh. Disgusting to have and even more disgusting if your parents are the people who have them) and almost like a stressed satin. But it wasn't. Who knows. But it was beige and I rolled around on it while Mom was getting dressed

3rd: The carpet at Joe and Zuzy's house. The carpet at Donna and Jerry's house. I was little. It must have been what I saw a lot of the time

4th: Sleeping in a bed with Joanna

5th: Taking a picture with Joanna while she had some dance recital outfit on. She was dressed like a flower. I put my hands in the ash of the fireplace, brought them out in amazement at the blackness, and held them up to show Joanna. Joanna screeched because she thought I was going to get the ash on her outfit.

In Tucson, I have no memories of what my parents looked like, just Joanna. But I remember knowing that I was loved. In the work that I do, I appreciate that now more than ever.

When we lived in Arizona: Part II

Bedtime routine

2010-05-31T08:03:00.001-07:00

Christmas Morning, 2009

Late December 2009 through Early February 2010

When we moved into the house last November, dad was slow but he didn't teeter too much. Of course, back then we thought he was, but once February came around and the teetering really started, we realized that in November he was quite nearly almost fine.

That's kind of a universal truth with a terminal illness: 'the day of' is quite nearly always worse than 'the day before.'

Even though Dad wasn't teetering too much in November, by late December he wasn't able to sleep through the night. It was the start of spinal chord compression. By mid-January he was spending every night in the recliner in the family room.

When Dad started sleeping in the chair, he insisted that it was 'just until I get my back unkinked.' and 'just to catch up on my sleep.' The daily routine was this: around 8pm, Mom would go upstairs and go to bed. Around 9:30pm, Dad would decide to go to bed. He'd get up to go to the bathroom and I'd start locking up the house. After about 25 minutes in the bathroom, Dad would come on out, he'd sit down in his chair, and lean back to recline. I'd put pillows underneath his legs and he'd stuff pillows down on either side of him. Then I'd put the blanket on him and he'd settle in. Then I handed him his vicks and earplugs, and we'd make sure he had his glasses and cell phone nearby. I lifted Baxter so that Dad could kiss him goodnight, and then put Baxter in his crate in front of dad.

Hug and a kiss, and a final check to make sure the lights were dimmed just like he wanted them.

Around 45 minutes after the routine started, I'd go to bed. I slept on the couch upstairs in the foyer so I could hear him calling out if he fell. He was up to go to the bathroom several times throughout the night.

This is part of what I remember of when the spinal compression first started.

Stinking like your Grades

2010-05-27T20:53:00.000-07:00

Okay - happy post.

In high school I got a D in algebra. I was in the doghouse for about week. Dad wouldn't talk to me.

It was bad news bears.

Then, after a week had passed, he brought me home perfume. Estee Lauder.

He handed it to me and said,

"Here - so you don't stink like your grades."

I wasn't in the doghouse anymore.

And I got a D in algebra the next semester.

The Year of Magical Thinking

2010-05-27T20:24:00.001-07:00

Guess who isn't in the backyard this week digggggggginnnng!? Me.

I'll get back to it this on Saturday. Promise.

So, tonight it has been 1 month since dad died. In the coming weeks I'll post, until I'm done, details about what January-April was like. I want to do it so that if, in hope among hopes other people who have dads with prostate cancer happen upon this site, what they read here will make it easier for them. As I've mentioned before, when Dad became hormone refractory, the online learnin' was hard to come by. It'd usually go something like this: "life expectancy once spinal compression starts is between 3 to 4 months." That's it! Oye.

For tonight though, because I have to be at work at 7am tomorrow, I'm posting an excerpt from 'The Year of Magical Thinking' by Joan Didion. I read it while I sat in the easy chair next to Dad's hospital bed, a couple of weeks before died. Sometimes at work I find myself staring at the computer screen and wondering if the cancer didn't kill him, it was just all the pain meds we gave him. I know. Crazy.

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediatley follow such an imagined death. We miscontrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his sheos. In the version of grief we imagine, the model will be "healing." A certain forward movement will prevail. The worst days will be the earliest days. We imagine that the moment to most severely test us will be the funeral, after which this hypothetical healing will take place. When we anticipate the funeral we wonder about failing to "get through it," rise to the occasion, exhibit the "strength" that invariably gets mentioned as the correct response to death. We anticipate needing to steel ourselves for the moment: will I be able even to get dressed that day? We have no way of knowing that the funeral itself will be anodyne, a kind of narcotic regression in which we are wrapped in the care of others and the gravity and meaning of the occasion. Nor can we know ahead of the fact (and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is) the unending absense that follows, the voice, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.

Sunflowers? Why yes I think so!

2010-05-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

Which one to plant....

Heaven

2010-05-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

The last episode of Lost was on last night and I spent the morning in a TOTAL FRIGGIN FUNK. I didn't watch the show at all during the last 6 years. About twice a season I'd catch 10 minutes of a show and just go "ba-huh?" and turn the channel. But my sister watched the show for the series' whole run, so I decided to watch it with her.

Anyway.

The show got me thinking about heaven. Or rather -- thinking about heaven again.

I was on the phone with my best friend a week ago and we ended up talking about dad's final days and the night that he died. I really felt that the day before he died, when Dad was in a coma, that his spirit had already left him.

Now I'm not so sure. Maybe he was gone, maybe he wasn't, maybe I was just telling myself that so that I could deal with him not opening his eyes or even responding to my voice.

I don't know.

Yeah....I still just don't know.

But....in that conversation I eventually told my friend in no uncertain terms: I did not want to think that dad's energy just dispersed into the universe upon his death. I did not want to accept that upon my death I would be reunited with loved ones 'in spirit.' I wanted him whole. I want to be whole. I wanted him SOMEWHERE. I wanted him to be at a place I could get to.

Prior to Dad's death, I accepted that the concept of heaven was a belief. It was subjective. My version of heaven was that I would see the people I had loved once again. If other people said to me that they thought we would all just end up as floating energy, I was okay with that. In other words, if that was how it turned out, it was OK. I believe in Evolution, I believe that the Universe is vast, and there are more things we as humans don't understand than things that we do.

Like those little balls of bright lights that moved around in the movie Ghost. I was okay with that concept.

After dad died though - I am definitely not okay with that concept. I actively do not want that.

True, I would never tell anybody else, "Here's what heaven looks like" because I know that would be pretty absurd of me....but I don't know if I could handle somebody telling me that they thought I would just never see him again.

In a few conversations before Dad died, Dad and I talked about heaven. Despite the pain he was in, his personality still came through once or twice a day, sometimes just in a moment. We talked about all the famous people he was going to meet: Lincoln and Jefferson and Queen Elizabeth, the apostles, Jesus, Mary.... and on and on. When he seemed open to it, sometimes Mom or Jo and I would ask him if he had seen glimpses of what heaven was like.

But usually, he said he didn't have any insights. He said he couldn't remember his dreams. At one point I think my curiosity got the best of me and he was getting annoyed. So I finally told him, "Dad, you know, it wouldn't make much sense if you were suddenly allowed to reveal to us what heaven was like. We wouldn't be able to handle it. It's not our time."

He seemed to agree. But then he got his far-off look on his face and got quiet.

The far-off look could have been due to the drugs he was on, which were the equivalent of 1200 mgs of morphine. He could have been scared. He could have been thinking about a sandwhich. I just couldn't tell anymore.

When he stared off in the distance like that, I felt that what was happening was beyond my senses, intuition, comprehension, and beyond what my living body could literally bear. He was halfway there already.

So, he never said to us what we were looking for, which was something along the lines of, "I visited heaven this morning and Grandma Joanna says take care of that apron of hers that you have" (something tangible and 'proveable').

But he did sometimes talk about long-gone loved ones as if they were there or he had seen them recently. He had talked to his Grandma Joanna, and talked about if thet bags were packed.

He mentioned a few times that there was a baby in the upper corner of the room. My mom asked him who the baby was and he told her like she was dense, "That's Robert." Robert was a name my dad had liked and wanted to use if my parents had had a boy. Mom said he tossed around the name when they thought they were pregnant, between Jo and me, and about a month and a half into them thinking that, all of a sudden they weren't pregnant. They figured they had lost the baby.

Stuff like that - Dad talking about Robert - it makes you go, "Huh."

The belief of what heaven is or looks like is truly held within each person's heart. And that goes for the existance or non-existance of heaven. I know. Duh. Saying that is about as obvious as saying "Dogs smell butts."

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN that I have to be okay with somebody telling me that they think 'heaven' doesn't exist or we're all floating orbs of light.

It means that basically, at this point in time less than a month after Dad died, whether it's right or not, my belief in God and my belief in heaven are independent of each other. I believe in God. I think that when I die I will enter into God's grace and be at eternal peace. But God as I know him is still here with me. And Dad as I knew him is not. Things have changed. And the thought that I'll never see my dad again is too painful to bear. So, in my heaven, it's just like it is right now. Except I don't have to work. And food never spoils. And there are no hang nails. And I get to chat with anybody I want to. And Dad isn't sick. And so on, and so on.

Gah! Invasive plant!

2010-05-24T12:45:00.000-07:00

Asparagus densiflorus 'Sprengeri'

Dangit!!!

I planted something that many consider a weed and that can be invasive. Out it comes tomorrow, before the seeds arrive!!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asparagus_densiflorus

http://davesgarden.com/guides/pf/go/1850/

Bad Dirt

2010-05-23T19:50:00.000-07:00

Well-drained soil? Meet clay.

We have bad dirt.

I first noticed I had a problem when I visited the house late last summer. We had just had a major storm. I went in the backyard to take a look at the construction. I got stuck in the mud and my shoes came off my feet as I tried to get out.

Then, last February, I planted a fern out front in the courtyard. I dug the hole, it was very difficult to do, and when I went to fill in the hole after placing the plant in the ground, I couldn't get the dirt smudged back in. It was a gummy awful mess.

When my Uncle Duane helped me plant the flowers from Dad's memorial service after the funeral, I realized again how compacted the dirt was. I watered the memorial plants in the evening and the next day, the water was still in the hole! IT WAS STILL IN THE HOLE!

So I got online and did a little research. It's bad dirt because the consistancy isn't good for what I want to do with it. I'm pretty sure it's rich in nutrients and it obviously retains moisture VERY well (why do I feel like I need to apologize to this dirt?) But, every plant that looks remotely interesting, even the plants that I'll be using which are for xeriscape gardens (drought resistant), calls for friggin well-drained dirt! True, trees and some shrubs could break through my dirt, but not much else. I do not want to plant a yard full of shrubs. I can't plant more than 1 tree because I can't block the sun which is needed for the vegetable garden. If I plant without amending the soil, whatever plant that can't break through might just be root-bound and/or in danger from rootrot OR have stunted growth so it'd take 20 years just to see a nice yard. That's all a bummer. I want a xeriscape yard, not a bonzai garden, thank you very much.

How to tell if you have well-drained dirt:

Water it. If it drains in less than 4 hours, then it's relatively well-drained.

Here are the steps I'm doing to amend my soil:

1) Remove the rocks
2) Remove fabric cover
3) Remove excess rocks one...at...a...time...
4) Dig down around 3 feet.
5) Install temporary garden fence to keep dogs out of giant hole6) Dump in grass clippings
7) Dump in worms
8) Dump in super-rich compost
9) Dump in gegular dirt
10) Mix
11) Cover with fabric cover tarp to keep the weeds down and until the grass has broken down and I'm ready to plant.

After I do all of the above - I'll build the knee-high fence to keep the dogs out of the vegetable garden and then a waist-high fence for the other sideyard. Then I'll start to build the raised vegetable garden.

I could pay somebody to do all of this. But where's the fun in that? Also, it's great exercise AND shoveling a few thousand pounds of material helps me think, lets me take my anger out on dirt, but also get my mind off of missing my Dad.

I wish

2010-05-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

I got rid of facebook last night.

I noticed everything people posted was making me frustrated - stupid stuff that I shouldn't get upset about.

I deal with some pretty scummy stuff at work and I've been dealing with pretty scummy stuff at home, so I'm trying to eliminate things that make me upset.

I don't know if what I'm doing is right, but...you know.....I'M FEELING JUST A LITTLE BIT TENDER-HEARTED RIGHT NOW. Just a SMIDGE. There's a running joke with my mom and sister and I. Anytime somebody looks sad or says "I'm sad" or starts to cry, one of us asks them: "What's happened????"

As I elminate things that trigger me to be upset, I'm trying to replace them with things that calm me down. Right now I'm focusing on gardening.

When Grampa Taber came out for the funeral he repeatedly advised us about the grief process: take it day-by-day. I nodded and told him, "Oh, of course." and then I went about my business by crying everytime I thought of the next 60 years without my dad.

But then when I was working in the yard and removing 1,000 lbs of rock when Grampa's advice hit home. I didn't seem to be making very much progress and I was getting frustrated and clenching my jaw. Then I switched strategies.

I removed the rocks using a solid formation. I shoveled 3 to 4 half-buckets, raked the straggler rocks to the big pile, and repeated the job, going north to south. I was a lot less frustrated.

It's the same thing with grief.

Cue Full House "the tanner kids learn a lesson" music.

January - April 2010

2010-05-15T08:02:00.001-07:00

January - April 2010

2010-05-15T07:38:00.001-07:00

January - April 2010

2010-05-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

Memorial Service

2010-05-15T07:23:00.000-07:00

Joanna sang "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and I said a few words. Here's what I said:

A few weeks before dad died, I asked for his blessing so that I could say a few words here today. I retold for him all of the stories over the years, the examples of why he was such a wonderful father, and the reasons I loved him so much.

Now, among the stories and the reasons why I loved him, there were some pretty funny stories.

After we got done laughing though, he gave me a stern look and said very seriously, “This is about God.”

So, no funny stories about Dad. Not now.

However

I will say this – because it was so indicative of his sense of humor.

At one point, also in his final weeks, I asked him, “Daddy, do you want me to read some scripture to you?”

He paused for a moment. He was contemplating. I thought – was he about to reveal to me his favorite piece of scripture? What was the chapter? What was the verse?

Instead, he exhaled, pursed his lips, turned his head to me, raised one eyebrow and asked with a twinkle in his eye, and said, “Ohhh….Anything new?”

And with that – I’ll say a simple prayer of thanks.

I thank God for Dennis Taber, our dad.

For taking us to and from school almost our entire childhood, tending to our every need, and making sure we were growing healthy and strong.

For attending every event we had at school, and sending us off to dances by simply saying, “Remember, You’re a Taber.”

For taking Joanna to the opera when she showed interest in singing. For taking me to make calls at the local union hall when I showed an interest in civics. And doing so much more.

For talking with us about all the kinds of suffering in this world…..and making sure we never experienced any of it.

For telling us that giving injustice a different name doesn’t change anything, the injustice still exists! And telling us over and over again just how wrong it is to tell any of God’s children that God’s grace was not available to them.

For never pushing on us his faith or religion, for letting us find our own way to God.

For showing us through example that prayer and meditation can be done just about anywhere.

For all of this, I thank God for Dennis Taber, our dad.

For showing us through example that marriage is hard work that requires love, and talking…and talking…and talking some more.

For the times when Joanna and I would come home and he acted like he hadn’t seen or talk to us in AGES, even though we talked almost every day.

For telling us over and over again when we were little girls, the story of how he and mom met

For all of this, I thank God for Dennis Taber, our dad.

For his laughter…all of the time.

For the joy he took in the Christmas season. For always insisting that socks and Old Spice was really JUST what he wanted.

For hugging us tight as long as he possibly could.

For comforting us in his final days.

For all of this and so much more, I thank God for Dennis Taber, our dad.

For the blessing to have the time that we did, and the promise that we will see him again someday, I say here today three times: Amen, Amen, Amen.

Obituary

2010-05-15T07:22:00.001-07:00

The Rev. Dennis Maynard Taber, devoted son, husband, father, and disciple of Jesus Christ, passed on to his everlasting life on April 27, 2010, eighteen months after he was diagnosed with aggressive prostate cancer. His last spoken word was "Love." Dennis was born in Joplin, MO on October 3, 1949 and raised in Riverton, KS. An 11th generation birthright Friend (Quaker), he graduated with a B.A. in history from Friends University of Wichita, KS in 1971. After teaching in Wichita for several years, he and his wife, Kay, moved to Tucson, AZ where he earned his M.Ed. at the Univ. of Arizona and was an educational psychologist working with developmentally disabled children. In the early 1980's, after being baptized a United Methodist at St. Marks United Methodist (UMC), he answered the call to ministry. Dennis earned his Masters in Divinity at the Pacific School of Religion (Graduate Theological Union) in Berkeley, and spent 22 years leading United Methodist parishes. Dennis was an intern at Trinity UMC of Berkeley, CA and Associate Pastor at Grace UMC of Mesa, AZ. In California, he was Pastor at Faith Fellowship, Fairfield; Evergreen Valley UMC, San Jose; First UMC; San Leandro; St. Luke's UMC, Richmond; and St. John's UMC, Rohnert Park. He guided new ministers through the ordination process in California-Nevada Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church and was a former conference trustee. His passion was campus ministry and in 2008 he was honored for his work in revitalizing the Wesley Foundation, Berkeley and the establishment of the Wesley Foundation, Merced while Chair of the Board of Higher Education and Campus Ministry. Dennis was preceded in death by his mother, Rosa Mae Taber, (Riverton, KS), and his sister, Patricia Jo Anne Hansen (Wichita, KS). He is survived by his wife of 37 years, Kay Harrison Taber (San Francisco and Sacramento), his daughters, Joanna Taber (San Francisco), Caroline Taber (Sacramento), his father, Burgis Taber (Riverton, KS), numerous brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law, much loved nieces and nephews, and a host of respected colleagues and friends. A celebration of Rev. Taber's life will be held at St. Mark's United Methodist Church, Sacramento, on Friday, May 7 at 11:00 a.m. Memorial contributions may be made to United Methodist campus ministries: The Wesley Foundation, Berkeley, [P. O. Box 4536, Berkeley, CA 94704) or The Wesley Foundation, Merced (899 Yosemite Parkway, Merced, CA 95340).

My Dad Died

2010-05-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

Dad slipped into a coma on Monday, April 26, 2010 and died sometime between 9pm and 9:10pm on Tuesday April 27, 2010. He was here at home with us.

The day dad died, my mom and dad's pastor, Faith Whitmore, was at the house and stayed with my mother, sister, and I for four hours.

We calmed down a lot. Also that day, Joanna and Mom sat in his room around 7pm and sang to Dad. I had said my goodbyes around 6pm.

I took a nap a little after 7pm and a little before 9pm my mom went to sleep.

Jo heard his breathing was really heavy (it had been the last couple of days) on the baby monitor that we had and then went out to take Hildi potty outside. When she came in, she didn't hear anything on the baby monitor.

Joanna woke me up, said "i think dad is dead" with tears in her eyes. I went into his room with her and yep - he was for sure gone.

We went together to tell mom.

Hospice came about 11pm to pronounce him. I brought the nurse in and stayed with him while he listened for a heart beat. I took the blanket off of dad, the one his father had given him, folded it, and placed it on the table.

The death certificate says he died at 11:15pm. Then the hospice nurse destroyed all of the narcotics we had in the house.

The mortuary came around midnight to get dad's body. Per the recommendation of Faith, I didn't watch them place dad's body in the bag. Jo was upstairs with mom and Joyce. But I watched them take the body out.

I told them, "Thank you for your work"

Joanna and I then dismantled dad's room and placed everything in trashbags that we couldn't reuse.

The sheets and pillows since he had sweat pretty profusely in them.

There was a lot more. We ended up with 12 trashbags.

Around 2:30am we went to bed.

I really miss my dad.

Death Panel

2010-04-18T12:57:00.001-07:00

Haven't check in...AT ALL since Christmas. Save for the post I made on March 16 about Dad entering hospice.

I'll give an abreviated, perhaps incorrect because memories aren't always clear, timeline of what has happened with him and our little family.

During and right after Christmas, Dad starting having difficulty sleeping through the night. He couldn't lay flat. He was up perhaps every 30 minutes. We kept asking him if he was feeling tingling in his legs (what we read was a sign of spinal compression) and he said he hadn't felt tingling.

This continued for a few weeks. Dad couldn't sit for longer than 5-10 minutes in a chair. It was easier to be in a recliner. b
In mid-January, Dad started sleeping in the recliner downstairs. Something about the angle relieved pressure on his hips.

I can't remember when he had the MRI that confirmed spinal compression. I think it was sometime in January.... Also, sometime in January, or perhaps early February, Dad started feeling tingling in his feet.

A bit of time, perhaps a few days prior to Grampa and my uncle visiting in California - Dad started radiation on his spine. He had had it on his left and right hips in fall 09, but never on his spine.

About a week after Dad started radiation, Dad started to use a cane. He started to get wobbly and we walked with him so he wouldn't fall. But Dad fell - once - when he tried to use his cane to pick something up.

On February 12, his dad and my Uncle Duane came out to visit us from Kansas. They stayed with us for 3-4 days. We were in a mad-rush to get the backyard on the house finished. I think the yard guys finished the day before Grampa and my Uncle left for home. Shortly before Grampa and Uncle Duane left, around February 12, Dad had to start wearing Depends.

Dad and Mom tried sleeping in the downstairs bedroom and I got awoken in the middle of the night by my mom - because Dad couldn't get tothe restroom. We shuffled him to the bathroom and back to the recliner.

Then Dad started using a walker.

The walker sucked. So we all went to a medical supply store and got him a nice walker with wheels and a wheelchair etc. We also outfitted the downstairs bathroom with handlebars.

Then dad lost control of his bowels.

Then, mom noticed what we now know - Dad got a radiation burn on his behind. So, the radiation oncologist stopped radiation early.

On February 19, we got Hildi. More on that later.

Also, on February 19, the hospital bed was delivered (but he wasn't in hospice care yet).

We think somebody at our healthcare provider realized what a screw up it was to let radiation continue or even start it like they did - that might be why we got our bed so danged fast.

The burn on Dad got worse every day, he moved less and less everyday, he ate less and less everyday.

At some point, mom looked into cashing in her private long-term care plan. She could never get a hold of them and they never returned her calls. A couple of weeks ago we reazlized that the premiums we would get back (8k) if we never used their service would be cheaper for them than us accessing their services. Simple math.

Then, Dad started Chemo, in the (I think?) last week of February. Dad was still fighting it, or at least was hoping it would help with the bone mets pain.

But dad started throwing up so much that he got dangerously dehydrated. He tried changing me with the remote, he insisted he got an email from his Aunt Polly (who died some 8 years ago).

So, Dad was hospitalized and had 4 or 6 units of blood. I think Marh 4th or March 5th. It was a Friday. They did another bigger MRI and we got the news on a Tuesday. I think march 8th or 9th. The MRI showed that Dad's spine was completely riddled with tumors and there was indication of cancer in his brain.

Dad made the decision to stop treatment and enter hospice care.

Mom, Joanna, and myself each spoke with him individually and said everything we could possibly say to each other. Dad planned his memorial service - he picked the scripture and the songs.

In the weeks since, team of nurses and nurses' aides have come to our home to monitor his vitals, pain meds, comfort level, and us. Our death panel.

As of today, April 18, Dad has been in bed for 4 weeks now and the death panel has classified him as being in Dad been in 'active-death' for 3 weeks.

3 weeks ago, the nurses thought that he would pass within a few days. He was puffy, there was danger of throwing a blood clot, etc. etc.

But he didn't - for some reason. Now, Dad hasn't had any food in 4 weeks. The radiation burn on his behind is so big and so deep, Dad's spine is exposed.

If Dad doesn't pass soon, the nurses are worried that the back will open up, which would be the result of a combination of being bedridden, the tumors, and the radiation burns.

We should have told ourselves over and over again a month ago that just because he's bedridden doesn't mean he will pass soon. His 'shell' gave out before his 'heart' will.

Dad's lungs are now halfway filled with fluid - they started filling just yesterday.

He's been so strong -the classiest hospice patient many of the folks on the death panel have encountered. He shakes each of the nurses' hands before they leave and thanks them for their assistance.

The past month, time has gone slowly and I've been wondering when 'the year of magical thinking' will begin. In a lot of ways, it already has. But, I know that as soon as it starts Ill wish to go back to now, to this time of waiting for another breath.

I've been playing the following song for him the past few days as he falls back asleep:

Hospice

2010-03-16T20:41:00.000-07:00

Dad entered hospice a week ago yesterday - he's sleeping now 20 of 24 hours of the day and has stopped eating.

Prostate Cancer is a terrible, terrible thing.

More later

Just a Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Medicine Go Down

2009-12-28T22:57:00.000-08:00

What's cookin?

Knead for 10 minutes

Butter, sugar, cinnamon, raisens, salt, baking soda, eggs, flour

We should've let them rise a 2nd time....

Wow they look so pretty!!

But...they wouldn't bake...so we had to put them on a cookie sheet. When you don't let them rise a 2nd time, it goes from taking 10-12 minutes to bake to 30-40 minutes.....

My new wagon for the garden. Did I cry on christmas morning? Yes I did...

Hey, look! It's a vegetable!

3 apple pies

This crust is soooo easy to roll compared to dough with yeast

Wow! Vegetables again!

Dad

Baxter waiting on cinnamon rolls. He's out for the count.

Wait...what? Eat veggies? Be healthy? Dad (and us too) wanted our favorites for Christmas.

What does that mean? Apple Pie, Orange Slice Cake, Pecan Pie, Pumpkin Pie, Filet Min-yawn,

Chicken Florentine, Cinnamon Rolls.. umm..what else.... Fudge....Salsbury Steak.......I know I'm forgetting more..... In any case, here are some pictures. Can you find the veggies?

Breast Cancer

2009-12-28T22:49:00.000-08:00

I even saw the "Bake for the Cure" logo on a package of yeast I used to make cinnamon rolls.

Oh my...

Move In, Unpack, Decorate

2009-12-14T23:25:00.001-08:00

I can never find rubber bands to put my hair up. When the movers came and moved my mattress I found this.....
Say Hi, Dad!

The round teak table that I WILL NEVER GIVE UP even though there's no place for it.

I love the smell of giant moving trucks in the morning.

This is what the house looked like on moving day.....X 1,000

The new baby gate we got to keep Baxter out of the other parts of the house.

My Christmas tree

Mom and Dad's Christmas tree

The 'Kids' tree

Hmm...this one doesn't look at good in the photo as it does in person.

Mom's nutcrackers. She cracks 'em at work and then comes home and has a whole section of the house to do it at home too!

Psalm 34

2009-12-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

I got to work at 8am this morning and was staring at a lonnnnng week ahead of me by 10am.

Then, about 10am my phone buzzed because I had a new email. Dad had sent Mom, Jo, and me this excerpt from Psalm 34. I felt a load lift off my shoulders soon as I read, "I sought the Lord."

I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed. This poor soul cried, and was heard by the LORD, and was saved from every trouble. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; happy are those who take refuge in him.

Then I buried my head in work and before I knew it, the day was done and I was on my way home.

Goodbye Law, Hello History

2009-12-09T11:21:00.000-08:00

So - I made the decision. I will not be returning to law school. I guess by now I can share what I wrote in a law school exam - instead of the exam. I'm posting this now - in THE FUTURE of June 12, 2010, but I'm dating the post in December 09, when I decided not to go back. Is the following a bit whiny? Perhaps. But this is generally the tone you would have if you're writing an essay in long-hand, in a blue book, when everybody around you is talking about personal jurisdiction.

This is quite possibly either the greatest or most idiotic decision I will ever have made up to this point in my life. I don't want to be a lawyer. The decision has been coming along for a good long time and I think I might have made the decision already, before I even applied to law school. Making the decision during a recession is what is idiotic. Everything else about it is very smart. I don't want to be a lawyer. I want a good life. I want to teach history to high schoolers. I want to volunteer at the county elections office. I want to read about civil rights. I want to be a part of efforts to change my community for the better. I can do all that. I just don't want to do it as a lawyer. And it's not because I don't have respect for lawyers. On the contrary, I do.

I KNOW this country wouldn't be how it is today without lawyers. It's just not the life I want. Even if I make 30,000 a year and am at risk of being fired every year because of budget cuts in the school district and work 90 hours a week teaching kids who don't care and/or have parents who either don't care or don't have time to care because they're working two jobs to make ends meet....I don't want to be a lawyer. It wasn't until my aunt died of breast caner and my own father was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer in the same month that I realized the true depth of the meaning behind, "life is short - live your dreams." It's SO cliche but it's so true.

For all intents and purposes, I should want to be a lawyer. Everything about my upbringing and what I've done in my life so far says that I should. But I don't. In college I managed the voting registration of over 10,000 people by the time I was 21 years old. I saw how easy it was to be disenfranchised. People would come into my office and tell me they had BEEN disenfranchised yet it had nothing to do with Jim Crow. It was often mechanical error. I'd register, or rather, send independent contractors out into the County to register people at storefronts. At the time, the law gave them the right to resitrct and ban our registration efforts from their property. I applied to law school because of things like that. But, I don't want to be a lawyer.

I am twenty five years old. And I can't imagine and I can't, in good faith, graduate law school with nearly 180,000 of debt and hope my sense of how bad I don't want to be a lawyer will change. I have had coffee with some students who echoed my sentiments. But they're still here. I will not be.

I realize how extremely foolish and reckless this will seem to people I tell my story to. I realize there are some bridges that might be burned by doing this. Still, I don't want to be a lawyer. It isn't my dream. It's certainly A dream. Who doesn't want to march up the steps of a courthouse and fight to overturn and unfair law and help a client in need? But, I worked in a law office and those moments are rare.

I think, to be a great lawyer, you should love the law. I don't love the law. After the 2004 election I knew a few things. 1) I didn't want a regular job working 9-5. I wanted to walk around, be out in the open. 2) I wanted stability. As much as I liked my job, I knew I didn't want to live out of a suitcase, moving from city to city, campaign to campaign, because I lost my connections with people, my family, and friends. 3) I wanted to make the world a better place. 4) I didn't want to be poor while doing it. So, the only logical thing I thought to do was to get a job at a law firm, wait a couple of years, and then go to law school. I did all that. I worked at an environmental defense LLP in San Francisco. They did good work and for good causes. All of my bosses loved the law. I, on the other hand, only appreciated it. I thought I'd love it once I got to law school. Still, I just appreciate it. And I've amended my list: I don't mind being poor if it's doing something that I love. What I love, is American history.

By now, I think I'm being redundant. And whoever reading this gets the point. 1829 does not want to be a lawyer. 1829 is going to teach history. She is going to take the remainder of her exams, wait for the hammer of whatever academic committee feels that this personal statement is a giant exercise in disrespect towards them, and come to terms with the money spent 'figuring this all out' at a private law school. 1829 is going to apply to get her masters degree in history and get credentialed to teach, and start teaching kids, wherever 1829 finds a job, about the splendor of this nation's history. About the terrible times in this nation's history. About the good and bad people in this nation's history. And yes, 1829 isn't naive - she knows she'll be teaching whatever the standardized tests require her to teach about this nation's history.

My dad will die, either 6 months from now or 3 years from now from prostate cnancer. I know there is a purpose in that and I am guessing that one of them is so that others around him might cherish their life more. He's going to be upset when I finally admit to him I don't want to be a lawyer. I was supposed to be a lawyer to continue the upward march through the classes.

But I know, more than anything, all he cares is that I do good work, that I live by John Wesley's credo to do all the good I can... to all the people I can...and be happy while doing it. I want to do all that. Just not as a lawyer.

I'M BAAAAACKKKKKKKKKK

2009-12-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

Okay. So....I stopped blooging for 2 months. Reaons:

I was busy packing in October (soooooo tirrring)
I was busy unpacking/setting up house in November (even morrrrrrrre tiring)
I've been trying to figure out this new stage called Hormone Refractory Prostate Cancer
I've been trying to figure out if what I've written about in prior posts is what I want to continue to write about in the future

Details on Reasons #3 and #4:

I haven't researched medical 'stuff' on Prostate Cancer as much since dad was diagnosed as Hormone Refractory (which means the PCa is resistant to hormone treatment). I was...oh...how could you put it........pissed off at Prostate Cancer.

I was pissed off at people who study Prostate Cancer. Pissed off at people who report about Prostate Cancer. Pissed off at people who talk about Prostate Cancer. I would say the word out loud and cringe as the words left my mouth. Why should I spend my time looking up developments? That just makes Prostate Cancer happy.

I think my pissy-ness was reflected in a certain prior post about grapefruit juice. Shortly after that post, it got so bad that if I even SAW A GRAPEFRUIT at the grocery store my little blood vessels on my forehead got all strained like Julia Roberts and my jaw clenched like my Governor's. And that's hard to do since I gain weight in my face.

The icing on the cake was a recent study out of the University of Chicago that suggests morphine might accellerate PCa. I think for about 3 days I was screaming in my head, "REALLY?!? Thanks, University of Chicago, for being announcing in a too-happy press release the biggest downer EV-ER."

Then I said a small prayer that the press-release guy at the University would get a super bad hang nail. Like, epic bad hang nail (cuz you can't make hang nails feel better. It's basically impossibile till it grows out).

I know - I'm bad.

Anyway - the anger at Prostate Cancer was getting in the way. And in effect, I was making it about me.

And it's not about me.

I mean...it is....but it SO isn't.

But it is. ....It's confusing.

SO I decided to take a timeout and evaluate because hey: there'ss SO MUCH that is OUT of my control.....Lord have mercy...there's so much I can't control. And I don't like that.

AND THEN I CONCLUDED: I can't learn about Prostate Cancer right now. I mean - I'll still google it every now and then and post whatever developments I think are interesting. But I just don't want to focus on Prostate Cancer. Maybe someday - actually probably someday I'll be shaking people down for money for research. But not now.

Prostate Cancer: you're sleeping on the couch, buddy!!!

Instead - I'm going to bake pies and cook and nurture existing friendships and build the garden and drink coffee and sit and talk and just be.

I'm going to share my life with other children of men who have Prostate Cancer. Specifically, I'm going to share what it's like to support somebody/dad/roommate/husband with Hormone Refractory Prostate Cancer (HRPCa).

It's supposed to snow tonight - so I'll have pics in a few.

Home Depot

2009-11-02T00:02:00.000-08:00

The goal for this weekend: prep the house to be move-in ready. You know how I mentioned a couple of months ago how you 'make the most' of it and don't snap at each when somebody has cancer?

Article I
Cancer lets you make the most of it - to let IT go.

Legislative Interpretation of Article I
Cancer doesn't make you just benevolently let go of IT. No. That's insane to never feel frustrated. Insane. Cancer just enables you not make a big deal about stuff...to people's faces.

Amendment I
Article I shall stand unless IT concerns financial problems like health insurance.Then you turn into Rambo.

Amendment II
Article I shall stand unless IT concerns driving dad's minivan.

Legislative Interpretation of Amendment II
Dad thinks he knows the way to get to a destination better than his child despite the fact that the child LIVES in the town and he doesn't. THEN, it is permissible for the child to not let IT go so that the child may rebuke occasional backseat driving. But say it with a smile.

Amendment III
When you move into a house - snippy comments shall be permitted and forgiven once they are spoken

Examples for Amendment III

Example 1:
I know YOU think that table is going to fit there but what I'M saying is that the table is FIFTY-TWO INCHES and the wall is FORTY-EIGHT INCHES.

Meaning of Example 1:
Only a MORON would think that table could ever fit there. WHO RAISED YOU, WOLVES!?

Example 2:
When children are carrying heavy boxes and mothers help by standing in front of the door with arms outstreched in love (she really does it - she smiles at me. The nerve. ) so that she can receive a box - a box heavy enough that children would never in my right mind give it to their mother to carry - it is permitted to bark the following: "...........................MOVE!!!!!"

Anyway. To prepare the house, we went to Home Depot to pick up temporary blinds and bug spray (a few ants haven't gotten the hint that we've destroyed their habitat and they need to move along). We already had the stuff to seal the grout and the granite. We took Baxter in the store with us because we can. He's cute. We considered slapping some kind of vest on him like, "Prostate Cancer Therapy Dog" so we can smuggle him in places (yes - we're THOSE people. But he's a Show Dog so it's justified) but we've never had to. Instead, we walk right in with him because people "oooh" and "awwww" since he does things like this:

Caroline - when are Dad and Mom going to be done looking at bug spray? They're ignoring me.

Fine. I'll play with this seatbelt. Stupid toddlers.

I'm looking at the 1,000 kinds of bug spray TOO!

(seriously - he was. It's weird. He watches TV too)

We're done! Time to show off at the cash register!

Sealing Grout

2009-11-01T23:46:00.000-08:00

Oh lord have mercy...I did all this....X 20. Probably 600 square feet. I think...Mom is working on the granite countertop.

Ready for battle

Oh...it's not really...that interesting. It just looks like..water. Mildly fumey water. When it soaks in immediately, just like with the granite countertops, you know the granite/grout is still porous. So you have to do it again. With this grout - 3 INCHES soaked the solution up, and then right next to it, like, 2 inches didn't. I was in a hurry and didn't want to sit at each tile for 20 minutes. So..you know where I'll be next weekend!

Regardless: how do you know it's worked?! If your grout is clean after a year, maybe you're just a clean person and the 'sealing' doesn't really mean anything. If your grout is dirty - mayyyybe you're just a dirty bastard and grout stands no chance against your filthy self. And you just spent 5 hours on your hands and knees for nothin. Not cool.

Hi Dad...what's happening in the paper?

Where I've Been, What I've Been Doing

2009-10-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

I've been packing. Not everyday, mostly 4-5 hours every Saturday and Sunday. Monday-Friday I'm sprawled on the couch thinking to myself, "So thissss is what it's like to be old. Inter-ow-es-ow-tinngggg..ow."

The majority of it is packing stuff. Dishes, kitchen crap, books. More books. Pictures. I'm packing EVERYTHING. Every. Last. Thing. Reasons:

1. I can't stand it when stuff is flying everywhere - shoes popping out of boxes, clothes getting dirty. Part of it is my own preference. Part of it is how I grew up. We moved alot. Dad transformed from Pastor Dad to General Packer during the moves that we did every 2 years (not all moves were church moves. sometimes we changed from a rental place to a church parsonage mid-appointment). So, I'm a good packer. There is a VERY small group of people I will help move even if their stuff isn't packed tight. Like..2 people.

Caroline...you need to hurry up. Don't ponder and go down memory lane on every last thing. Pack it tight, wrap breakables, come and get me to tape up the box, and move on. There's more to do. You still have to clean.

2. Take away temptation from Mom and Dad from doing anything on moving day. "Sit your ass down!" They think they're in their 20s. I'M in my 20s and I don't want to move anything more than I have to.

But, I'm not just packing stuff- I just finished up 'staining' furniture. I worked on the buffet and tables that we have from my Great-Grandparents and the chairs my parents got in Tucscon. Everybody hates the chairs because they have little nobs on the corners that dig into your legs when you sit. But damnit, they're OUR uncomfortable chairs. I used some god-awful chemical that smells terrible but makes your head feel wondddderful and it cleans and hydrates the wood. The pieces look so much better.

So - I've been busy. Move-in day is November 5, 2009. Dad was diagnosed November 4, 2008. I think it's prety bittersweet.

House - Week 13

2009-10-19T20:49:00.000-07:00

House - Week 12

2009-10-19T20:42:00.000-07:00

Doctors, Doctors, Everywhere!

2009-10-07T15:14:00.000-07:00

Here's the quick and dirty on latest doctor info for October.

I'm not going to be super explanatory on this because frankly - it's just one of those days.

Pain Meds for Bone Mets:
Percocet + Motrin = Harsh on System.
System - Percocet & Motrin + Low Dose morhine = system better + fuzzy head.
Decisions, decisions

Radiation!
2nd Round here we come! Zap! Zap!

Bone Infusion
Coming up - 2nd Session! Infuuuuuussssse!

Chemo
Gotta run blood tests to make sure all systems are go before that party can start.

PSA Check
Testing soon!

House - Week 11

2009-10-07T15:05:00.000-07:00

Things are wrapping up on the house - can you tell I've been preocupied? I've been packing. Thinking about packing. Then thinking more about packing some more. I think I might have a few issues about moving back in with my parents at the ripe old age of 26. Just a few. haha Anyway - appliances are ordered, we're making our lists and checking it twice. We close soon and then, for my birthday, I asked my parents to let me seal the grout and granit countertops without their help. They'll sip lemonade and cookies at my apartment while I'm cursing stone. =)

Anyway - here's Week 11. I'm not posting exterior photos anymore because I like just a littttttle bit of privacy.

1 Year

2009-09-30T13:38:00.001-07:00

With Prostate Cancer - well - with ANY cancer, actually - there comes a point when you find yourself asking yourself: "Uhh..am I bi-polar?" Or if you're a woman you think, "do I have some hormone issues I need to 'balance out'?

Some days everything is gonna be all right. You barely think about it.

Then things can just switch - and your whole demeanor does a total 180 around in 5 minutes or sometimes even seconds.

You go from feeling optimistic and adjusted and calm and at peace to.... feeling short of breath, hot tears won't stop welling up in your eyes, fear, anger at others, to mild panic attacks over something as seemingly inconsequential as miniblinds.

This October 9 will be 1 year since my Aunt Pattie died. She had breast cancer.

I don't have hundreds of memories of times I spent with her. She lived in Southern California when I was a little girl in Arizona. By the time I got older she lived in Kansas with her family and we lived in California. But, I did see her every 2-3 years. I always loved it when she was on the other end of the phone. One day I called her out of the blue after I babysat a 1 year old for 3 hours, "HOW DID YOU HAVE 4 KIDS, AUNT PATTIE?? I'M EXHAUSTED!" We just laughed, and laughed. There was always a lot of laughing and love.

Imagine that. Not living a single day in the same timezone as a relative and being sure they loved you and you loved them. I was a lucky little girl growing up.

I miss her. I really, really wish I could hear her voice again - she had just about the prettiest voice I've ever heard. I had no problem at all just sitting at the kitchen table sipping coffee all day and talking with her cuz she could make bad news sound good. She had a quiet but wicked sense of humor, and she was a rock for so many, many women in her community as she led numerous breast cancer support groups.

I know she's in heaven. And a long, long, time from now I'll see her again.

Those Brits with Socialized Medicine Have a Terrible System

2009-09-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

Prostate Cancer Cell

Photo from BBC and Not Used with Permission. Please don't sue.

HSP27 - AKA - The Little Shithead that Could

Photo taken from the most sciency-science website ever: abcam.com

'Abcam - the largest collection of the best antibodies in the world'

hahahaha - WHAT? what does that even MEAN? *shrug*

Killer Prostate Cancer Test Hope
Scientists have discovered a protein that predicts survival from prostate cancer at diagnosis.
BBC News
September 23, 2009

A University of Liverpool team found the presence of heat shock protein-27 (Hsp-27) was a key marker of how prostate cancer would progress.

Men who tested positive for Hsp-27 at diagnosis were almost twice as likely to die from the disease in the next 15 years than those who did not.

The study features in the British Journal of Cancer.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8269443.stm

House - Week 10

2009-09-26T22:40:00.001-07:00

House - Week 9

2009-09-26T22:34:00.001-07:00

Worst Therapy Dog Ever

2009-09-26T22:21:00.000-07:00

Baxter - staring at his chewy bone - it's so far away from the fan....

Time for a nap

This is Baxter. When we got the fan for Casodex side effects, he decided he likes to sit in front of it. Then he decided he liked sleeping on it. Whenever Dad gets up from his chair, Baxter goes and sleeps on the heatpad. Then, when Dad comes back to sit down, Baxter requests that we ever-so-gently lift him off the chair because he's soooo tirrrred. (Tibetan Spaniels sleep a lot)

Worst Therapy Dog Ever.

(Psst...he's actually a really, really great dog)

Where Is the Time Going

2009-09-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

I blinked and September is almost over. I've been quite spazz-tastic in keeping to my blogging routine this month. And it's friggin PROSTATE CANCER AWARENESS MONTH of all things!

Dad and Mom are staying with me at my apartment with increasing frequency - preparing for the house. We should close end of October *fingers crossed* I have to start packing soon. Must clean up patio but I REFUSE to do it until the leaves fall. Why bust my butt only to have to do it again? Then again...

I probably SHOULD do it twice. Exercise would do me some good. I went to the doctor today.

On the list of things I told the doctor this morning:

1) Please cut off all freckles so I don't sit at home wondering about Melanoma every night

Doc's Words: They look fine to me!

2) I need you to update my family medical history...Cancerville

Doc's Words Hmmm..that's interesting
Doc's Face: Holy shit, somebody call Kaiser accounting and get her out of here!

3) Please cut off all freckles so I don't sit at home wondering about Melanoma every night

Doc's Words: .....No.
My Response: This isn't the end of this! You hear me?! That's not a threat, it's a promise!

4) I gained weight. My thyroid is right on the 'Hypo' threshold but I know I'm not helping the situation. So, I'm working on it.

Doc's Words: Yah. You need to lose about 25 pounds.
Doc's Face: Yah. You need to lose a few dozen, you terrible, terrible young woman! RUN, NOW! RUN, RUN, RUN!!!

The bad news: weight sneaks up on me (well wait..I'm kinda lying to myself. My jeans stopped fitting a while ago...whatevs. It was still was a GIANT SURPRISE! Totally a surprise.

The good news: I gain weight proportionally. So once I lose the weight I will crush the world with my sexiness.

So: no more soda, no more candy, no more alcohol, no more mixed coffee drinks...

Good lord...I'm a GLUTTONOUS HEATHEN.

And...I'm off to get walking/running shoes after work.

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

2009-09-16T21:28:00.001-07:00

If you haven't seen this yet, you're living under a ROCK! a ROCK, I tell you.

Baxter likes the heatpad.

2009-09-14T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dangit.

2009-09-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Jacquie Strax at psa-rising.com for alerting folks on The Circle Digest about her posting.

Company Sues Cancer Scientist for Fraud, Says EPCA-2 Prostate Test Never Worked
September 10, 2009
Jacquie Strax
http://www.psa-rising.com/

Dr. Robert H. Getzenberg, a leading University of Pittsburgh and Johns Hopkins cancer researcher who claims to have developed superior new blood tests to detect prostate cancer, colon cancer, and bladder cancer has been accused of making false claims over a period of years and selling these false claims to keep his laboratory working.
http://www.psa-rising.com/blog/2009/09/onconome-sues-for-fraud-in-epca-2-prostate-test-case/

Side Effects Due to Androgren Deprivation Therapy

2009-09-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

From the CHB Mailing List:

Us TOO University Presents:Estrogen Deficiency Side Effects Due to Androgen Deprivation Therapy. This free webinar/teleconference with speaker Samir Taneja MD will take place Wednesday, September 23, 2009, at 8pm Eastern, 7pm Central, 6pm Mountain, 5pm Pacific.

For more information and to RSVP today, go to: http://www.ustooevents.org/site/Survey?ACTION_REQUIRED=URI_ACTION_USER_REQUESTS&SURVEY_ID=2700

House - Week 8

2009-09-14T14:36:00.000-07:00

Marine World, Africa, USA (Six Flags)

2009-09-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

I went to Marine World this weekend with my good friend and her kids this weekend.

It was a lot of fun! It was expensive. Lord...it was expensive.

But, it was fun.

Aredia

2009-09-14T13:42:00.000-07:00

Dad is having his first Aredia infusion as we speak. His infusion is 90 minutes. From what I know, he can do this treatment a maximum of 12 months. He'll be having a treatment every 4 weeks.

From Chemocare.com:

Aredia is used as a support medication to treat symptoms of cancer such as hypercalcemia (high blood calcium levels) or to decrease complications (such as fractures or pain) produced by bone metastasis (spread of cancer to the bone).
.....
Cancer cells that spread to the bone can secrete substances that can cause cells found in the bone called osteoclasts to dissolve or "eat away" a portion of the bone. These tumors or lesions weaken the bone and can lead to complications. Some of the complications resulting from this bone breakdown are bone pain, fractures and less commonly, hypercalcemia (increased levels of calcium in the blood).
Pamidronate is a bisphosphonate. Bisphosphonate medications are used to slow down the osteoclast's effects on the bone. In doing this it can be useful in slowing down or preventing the complications (bone pain, fractures, or high calcium levels) of the bone breakdown.
http://www.chemocare.com/bio/aredia.asp

Charity Run in Buffalo!

2009-09-14T13:16:00.000-07:00

Dash for Dad joins fight against prostate cancer Husband and wife win respective runs

By Louise Continelli
The Buffalo News
Updated: September 14, 2009, 7:30 AM

More than 400 prostate cancer survivors, their families and friends, walked and ran Sunday in the Dash for Dad in Delaware Park to help end the disease.

For David and Brenda Spillman of Buffalo, who both won top competitive honors for their respective 5K run times — 18:55 for him, 19:41 for her — it meant more than trophies. Brenda’s dad is a prostate cancer survivor.

....

“The turnout is phenomenal,” exclaimed walk/run representative Mary Beth Popp. “It’s a first-time race for Buffalo, but we plan on making it an annual event. The dream is to make this event a platform for educating people on prostate cancer, celebrating survivors and honoring others — like the Susan G. Komen [Race] for the Cure does for breast cancer.”

http://www.buffalonews.com/cityregion/story/794970.html

Virus (STD) Linked to Aggressive Prostate Cancer

2009-09-14T13:05:00.001-07:00

Is the logical outcome of findings like this that...when we all go get our annual physicals we get tested for Trichomoniasis? Hmm..I don't know.

It kinds brings things back to the health care debate - a lot of people say that one of the reasons our health care costs are so high is because doctors practice 'defensive medicine' and not prevantative medicine. Meaning, in one aspect, that we treat people for what might happen not what will happen.

How do you spend millions of dollars and develop vaccines for people to save yourself from cancer that you don't know will necessarily appear in 10..20..30..40 years?

Hard questions.

STD Linked to Prostate Cancer
More Deaths in Men With History of Trichomoniasis
By Salynn Boyles
WebMD Health News
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Infection with a common sexually transmitted disease ( STD) may make men more vulnerable to the most deadly form of prostate cancer, new research suggests.

Men in the study who had been infected with the STD trichomoniasis were only slightly more likely to develop prostate cancer years later, compared to men with no documented evidence of prior infection.

But they were nearly three times as likely to die of the disease once they had prostate cancer, epidemiologist and study co-author Lorelei A. Mucci, ScD, tells WebMD.

"Our finding suggests that infection may make prostate cancers more aggressive and more likely to progress," she says.

STD and Prostate Cancer

Trichomoniasis affects both men and women and as many as 7.4 million new infections occur each year, according to the CDC.

The STD is caused by the parasite Trichomonas vaginalis.

Though easily treated with medication, 50%-75% of men with trichomoniasis never develop symptoms so they never find out they have the STD. And many, but not all, clear the infection in a matter of weeks without treatment. Also, people can be reinfected even after treatment.

I Almost Forgot You're a Douchebag

2009-09-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

I'll post more later on my reaction to President Obama's address to Congress regarding Health Care Reform: Part 3,1234.

It's been a busy week - the parentals are here and I've been working hard for my money at my job.

For now, I'll post this.

Wow. What is this, Parliament??!! Love, love, LOVE Speaker Pelosi and the President's reaction. I think I've seen those same looks from my Mom and Dad when I acted up when I was a teenager.

Anyway - Who is that guy? Really?!? You're heckling the President?! Man....

House - Week 7

2009-09-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

STATE FAIR

2009-09-04T23:03:00.000-07:00

Fried Oreos. Mmmm

A 1200 pound pig - she was so sweeeeet

Colusa County Exhibit...I think...?

Sciency Stuff!

2009-09-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

Joel T Nowak MA, MSW just posted 2 great entries on his blog. He always does such a great job alerting readers to recent studies.

Factors Pointing to the Development of Metastatic Prostate Cancer

Carboplatin-Taxane Combinations in the Management of Castration-resistant Prostate Cancer

Get your butts over to www.advancedprostatecancer.net to check his webpage out.
It should be one your check on a regular basis.

Prostate Cancer Foundation Responds to Recent Study on PSA Effectiveness

2009-09-04T21:41:00.000-07:00

PSA Test Remains a Viable Tool – For Now

WEDNESDAY, Sep. 2 (PCF) -- This week’s online publication (Journal of the National Cancer Institute, August 31, 2009) of new data from a study conducted by researchers at Dartmouth Medical School’s Institute for Health Policy and Clinical Practice, once again calls into question the validity of PSA screening as a tool for diagnosing and treating prostate cancer.

On one side of the debate is the problem of overtreating and exposing a large number of men who have a non-lethal form of the cancer to unnecessary side effects and anxiety. On the other hand, the PSA test, as one tool in the diagnostic process, has helped to save more than 50,000 lives.

The valid criticism of the PSA test is that it is not a cancer-specific marker. It acts as a smoke alarm, indicating that there is a problem—either cancer or another condition—in the prostate that needs further assessment. Supplemental tests including the digital rectal exam and a needle biopsy may result in a diagnosis of cancer. But the question remains: which type does a man have? Is it the lethal prostate cancer that can lead to his death? Or, is it the indolent, non-life-threatening variety that poses little threat?

In prostate cancer, simply having the ability to distinguish between lethal and non-lethal varieties could have saved an estimated $40 billion dollars during nearly two decades (1986-2005) by avoiding overtreatment, and saved thousands of lives by directing intensive care to those who needed it most.

One of the vital areas of continuing research supported by the Prostate Cancer Foundation is discovering new biomarkers that will enable healthcare professionals to specifically diagnose prostate cancer and to differentiate between the life-threatening and non-lethal varieties.

Every man has the right to know if he has cancer, including prostate cancer. Until we have a better biomarker, the PSA remains a viable and valuable tool. It is just not the only tool a patient and his doctor need to make treatment decisions. If given a diagnosis of prostate cancer, every man is also entitled to have a full understanding of the risks and benefits of either deciding to treat the cancer or opt for active surveillance.

http://www.prostatecancerfoundation.org/site/c.itIWK2OSG/b.5420213/k.48AE/PSA_Test_Remains_a_Viable_Tool.htm

Puppy Can't Get Up!

2009-09-03T11:50:00.000-07:00

Best Cookbook EVER

2009-09-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found myself in Underground Books. They're in Sacramento's Oak Park neighborhood. They sell all kinds of titles on African-American politics, history, culture, food, children, etc. etc. etc. You name it, they have it.

Since a very sweet and curious girl stared at me right as I found myself in the 'black woman experience' section, I decided to stick to the history, politics, and cookbook areas. The girl, who must have been a senior in high school, then returned to planning an event with friends.

While in the cookbook section I found Joyce White's "Soul Food - Recipes and Reflections from African-American Churches" I can't hardly read it fast enough!

It's a book of the history of foods that go into making soul food, it's an anthropological look at black churches, it's a book of humor, and it's a textbook on all the foods used in the recipes. Most importantly, I think basically a devotional on the blessings food brings to communities.

This cookbook got me thinking about my own culinary background. I grew up hearing Dad talk about the same recipes found in Soul Food. I thought about how

He still eats (and now I do too) black eyed peas on new years day
When I was 8 years old I first tasted Gramma's greenbeans with bacon and I realized my own mother had withheld happiness from me my entire life because she hadn't ever made it for me.
When we went to Cherokee County to visit Gramma and Grampa and then later just Grampa after Gramma passed away, Chicken Annie's was the first meal we'd have.
It's really true as the people in this cookbook point out, there is a wrong way to make fried chicken and a right way to make it. People get downright hostile when discussing it. Update: Dad just told me that we always used to go to Chicken ANNIE's and NOT "her rival" Chicken MARY'S. See - that's how SERIOUSLY some folks take their fried chicken. lol
Mom's tendancy for large servings is undoubtedly traced to the summers she spent helping to cook for workers who harvested her Uncle and Aunt's wheat
I learned from Grammy and Gramma that measurements need not be precise and recipes are meant to be tinkered with.

I mentioned before that when Dad was young, he went with his Grandma Winfrey to the bluffs above Shoal Creek in Lowell and picked greens. It was so...so...genteel. I asked him, "You did WHAT?" He laughed and replied before rattling off all names of plants,

Oh sure, she pointed out which ones were good and which ones were, you know, poison things, and she'd show me which ones were good to pick and ready, so to speak. She'd pick them and take them home and put them in a pot with some bacon grease and presto! Food!

Shoal Creek - Lowell, Kansas

(thanks to 'wmjks' of webshots.com. Please don't sue me)

What I didn't say on that blog post a while ago was that a short while later I was talking with a friend who grew up in Hawaii. Her great-grandparents immigrated there from Japan nearly 100 years ago. When I was in college, I read a book called Pau Hana about Japanese farmworkers in Hawaii. So, I got nosy about her family.

I asked her if her family had shared anything with her about that period. Among other cool stories, it turns out that her grandma used to wake her up before sunrise and take her to the beach. My friend would rub her eyes and drag her feet due to the early hour. But once there, her grandma showed her how to pick the best seaweed from the beach for later meals.

All of this - the wonderful recipes and stories in Joyce White's cookbook and my family's memories - shows that when it comes to food, there's a continuity. Whether it's Kansas in the 1950s or Hawaii in the 1980s - grandmothers take their grandchildren to the water to teach them how to gather food. Whether it's an AME church or a Quaker family in Kansas or Japanese immigrants in Hawaii - food doesn't just give nourishment - it provides an opportunity for fellowship.

We're always told that we allllll have more in common than we realize. I believe it. Always have. But often, this message of continuity doesn't hit home until moments like these happen to you - like when simple cookbook and 2 conversations converge.

It's a wonderful feeling when you or somebody else understands at their core something they've been told a million times before. It's even better when you can get a good meal at the end of it.

Soul Food: Recipes and Reflections from African-American Churches
ISBN-10: 0060187166
ISBN-13: 978-0060187163

Underground Books
http://www.underground-books.com/

Chicken Annie's and Chicken Mary's
http://ktwu.washburn.edu/journeys/scripts/2002/1507c.html

Next Step: Interior Design

2009-09-02T21:02:00.000-07:00

The MAGIC of Old Sacramento

2009-09-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

God Bless Huell Howser.

PCa Awareness Month: What do we say?

2009-09-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

When Dad was diagnosed last November, it seemed like such an easy few words I could say to friends when they asked about getting their dads screened. I'd simply reply, "Get his PSA checked every year after 50, earlier if he's african american and/or has the cancer in his family tree."

Now? Not so much. It's super frustrating.

Am I kinda pissy about recent studies and accompanying news articles that portray the PSA result as seemingly unrelable as a MUNI schedule? You bet I am. I'm the first to admit it. Cuz my dad is one of the cases where he DID check his PSA every year and we didn't catch it cuz the incremental rise was so small.

SO: I want to preface my upcoming snarky-ness with the statement that I'm aiming my shotgun at 'the messenger' as lady-like as I can:

I really do appreciate these studies because they give the medical community a kick in the pants to work to agree on screening recommendations
I really do appreciate media outlets addressing Prostate Cancer. I just sometimes wonder if the people writing these news articles know anybody man who has it.

So, here we go: a quick web search for Prostate Cancer screening reveals a recent study from the Journal of the National Cancer Institute.

The headline on Health.com: Study: PSA Screening Caused 1 Million Unnecessary Prostate Cancer Diagnoses

Assuming that the decline in prostate cancer deaths over this time could be attributed to these screenings, the researchers estimated that for every one man who avoids a death, more than 20 men—and as many as 50—had to be overdiagnosed and treated needlessly.

“[Of those] maybe one-third will have treatment problems such as impotence or incontinence,” says Dr. Welch. Treatments for prostate cancer, including the surgical removal of the prostate gland, can result in such conditions, or even DEATH. (emphasis added).

Okay, next point of commentary on this very special commentarity day. I don't mean to make light of impotence or incontenance. But man....really? Death? Isn't that kind of inferring that death is an unavoidable risk? Cuz last time I checked one of the potential causes of death after surgery is infection because staff didn't wash their hands and got poop germs in surgical wounds (so to speak).

It seems that news articles about studies on PCa screening efficiency are doing a diservice to the public by going for the scary headline grabber and not the REAL LESSON of these kind of studies: it is imperative that the medical community build a consensus on how to classify cancers likely to metastacize and those that are not.

The article eventually gets to this point...but it's at the bottom. You read it after you do the Macaulay Culkin slap on your checks.
Christopher J. Logothetis, MD, a professor and chairman of the Department of Genitourinary Medical Oncology at the University of Texas M.D. Anderson Cancer Center, in Houston, agrees that doctors “are overdiagnosing and overtreating prostate cancer in the PSA screening era.”

The real issue is not the PSA test per se, but how best to apply its results, he says.

“We need to develop a strategy by which we take the good things from screening and protect from the bad things,” Dr. Logothetis says. “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.”

....

Otis W. Brawley, MD, the chief medical officer at the American Cancer Society, echoed these thoughts in an editorial accompanying the study.

“We desperately need the ability to predict which patient has a localized cancer that is going to metastasize and cause suffering and death and which patient has a cancer that is destined to stay in the patient’s prostate for the remainder of his life,” he wrote.

As it stands, there is no clear consensus on prostate cancer screening from the major medical organizations.

The American Cancer Society does not support routine testing for prostate cancer. The group states that doctors and patients should weigh the potential benefits and risks. By contrast, the American Urological Association urges baseline PSA blood testing for all men starting at age 40.

http://news.health.com/2009/08/31/psa-screening-unnecessary-diagnoses/

The Study:
http://jnci.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/djp278

Editorial
http://jnci.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/content/full/djp310

Note: I wanted to title this entry after Ice Cube's song, "Check Yo Self Before You Wreck Yo Self" but the lyrics aren't that...family friendly. haha Don't google it.

Lowered PSA, Higher Pain Meds, Chemo Later, Infusion Now

2009-08-31T20:34:00.000-07:00

Dad his appointment this morning with his Oncologist. From what I heard from Mom, the doc shoots straight from the hip when it comes to answering questions and determining a treatment plan based on how my dad wants to proceed. They like it that way. I like it that way.

So...the BIG news is...no chemo yet! For that, we're all grateful.

Dads switch from flutamide over to Casodex seems to have made a difference in slowing the progression. The doc thinks that because of this, the chemo can wait a bit. For now, he'll focus on bone infusions to build strength and managing increasing pain.

So, we're just thankful it's responding now.

Here's the recap:

PSA
Down from 21 to 15.
As you know from prior posts on this - dad was on just Lupron Depot. His PSA starting rising and they gave him Flutamide to get that final last bit of testosterone out. His PSA kept rising so he was switched to Casodex. Now - his PSA is going down.

From what I've read on the web - the whole flutamid vs. casodex debate is hot and heavy. Some people think flutamide is best, others think Casodex. I honestly don't think there was any way to know which of the two dad would better respond to.

Hemoglobin and Hematocrit
Still dropping - due to presence of cancer cells in the bones. It's tied to his fatigue, I think (and the medicine to fight the cancer makes him fatigued too. blurg.)

Hemoglobin is the protein molecule in red blood cells that carries oxygen from the lungs to the body's tissues and returns carbon dioxide from the tissues to the lungs.....

Hematocrit is the proportion, by volume, of the blood that consists of red blood cells. The hematocrit (hct) is expressed as a percentage. For example, an hematocrit of 25% means that there are 25 milliliters of red blood cells in 100 milliliters of blood......A low hematocrit is referred to as being anemic. There are many reasons for anemia. Some of the more common reasons are.....bone marrow problems (replacement of bone marrow by cancer, suppression by chemotherapy drugs, kidney failure), and.....
www.medicinenet.com

Zometa/aredia (bone strength)
Infusion class starts Wednesday. The class will cover side effects, exercise, diet, etc. The 1st infusion is Monday, September 14. Docs wanted to wait for two more weeks to let teeth extraction sites heal.

Clinical Trial
YAY! Don’t have to start yet!

Pain Management
Start on Oxycodone (generic name for Percocet with Tylenol). It's one level up from what he's been on (Tylenol with Codeine). The doc suggested morphine but Dad isn't quite ready for a drug that strong, even though ironically enough, the morphine is easier on his liver than the codine or percocet is. On a related note (one that makes me take a big gulp of air) the recent CT scan does show a few spots on his liver that could be cancerous but she doesnt' think it is. She thinks it's damage from all the pain meds he's been on.

Exercise
Do what he's doing now - which is walking dog 3-4 times/day.
The current stiffness is probably from his cholesterol medicine, a statin.

So, there you have it.

Remember: this is a course of treatment decided upon by 1 doctor and 2 parents. The reasons to do/not to do something is personal. In addition, the summary posted above is what I think makes all this understandable. In the process, I might make a mistake. So: do your own google-search because this is just meant as a starting point.

Renewing the Garden

2009-08-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

I'm back, with new gardening gloves and a wire brush to clean those dirty pots!

Hadn't touched my garden since last summer. A neighbor MURDERED (actually..more like negligent homicide) my plants while I was working in SF for a month. I couldn't take them with me. I had them with me in SF the year before, for a month or so, and they did NOT like the fog. *sigh* I just still get sad about my banzai-esque Bougainvillea I lost. *sniff-sniff*

Oncologist Appointment Tomorrow

2009-08-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

Dad has his 2nd, and somewhat 'official' appointment with his Oncologist tomorrow. He's starting on Chemo soon and so she's gonna give them the details on the treatment plan that she's designed after reviewing his tests and medical files.

I've got mixed feelings. Well...not really. I'm pretty resigned that whatever happens the report from Mom aint gonna be sunshine and flowers.

Will the oncologist say to Dad tomorrow, "Hey, we're gonna pump you full of toxic chemicals that's gonna MESS you up so that you can feel better! And the side-effect is......spontaneously breaking into song and dance numbers!!!"

Hmm..not likely. haha

So, at the meeting Dad and Mom will:

Get Dad's most recent PSA test results
Discuss updated prognosis
Ask about what to expect from chemotherapy (this one is my biggest question)
Learn more about the clinical trial the oncologist wants to enroll him in
Ask about increasing strength of pain medication
Find out what kind of theraputic massage is permissible
Find out what kind of/how much exercise is permissible
Get more information on the bone infusions that should start soon
Get more info on what to do about fatigue

Do You Know What it Means, to Miss New Orleans

2009-08-30T16:00:00.001-07:00

Well, right off the bat - I've never been to New Orleans. But, Dad and Mom spent their honeymoon in 1972 in the French Quarter. I think they stayed at HoJo's. (...keepin' it classy, right? Wellll... they were only 21 and 22 so it was kind of a big deal). So when Hurricane Katrina happened, Sis and I saw that they were saddened in a special way.

In Christmas 2006, Sis and I made a donation in their names to Brad Pitt's Make It Right foundation. Mom got all teary-eyed when she opened the card (WITH Brad Pitt's printed signature) and Dad thought it was pretty cool too.

Now...see here. I'm a Jesus-lovin honkey progressive. I know first-hand that Churches, Synagogues, Temples, and Mosques are powerful forces that address individual as well as a community's suffering during small and large disasters.

But I also know, as we all should know after Hurricane Katrina, that we need government's help in a big way. There are some logistical things that are too big for small groups of people. They require helicopters and radios and busses and maps. They require FEMA. After all, can our Churches, Synagogues, Temples, and Mosques rescue our asses from the top of our house when a levee breaks? Heck-to-the-no they can't! We need the U.S. of A! U.S.A! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! haha

So, one of the thing I am grateful for is that after the destruction, panic, and grief; admist the recovery, and rebuilding... the Hurricane brought our national pastime of 'independence of the individual' back to the center of reality: there are some jobs where we NEED a strong goverment to do. There are some jobs we should EXPECT our government to do. There are some jobs we WANT our government to do. For everything else - we give it up to God.

United Methodist Committee on Relief
http://new.gbgm-umc.org/umcor/

Make It Right
http://www.makeitrightnola.org/home.php

FEMA
http://www.fema.gov/

As a side-note:
All this morbid talk is normal where I come from and I admit it sometimes isn't for the faint of heart. As an example: I started college on September 15, 2001. Before he and my sis and Mom left me at school, Dad crossed me on my back, gave me a hug, and said, "Keep 200 dollars in your bank account at all times. If your mother and I die in an attack, drive to Kansas and don't stop till you get there. K, have fun, sweetie!"

Friday Night in Sacramento

2009-08-30T15:24:00.001-07:00

Northbound - I-5 - Just south of downtown

Approaching City Halll - across from C. Chavez Park

House! Week 6 - Drywall and Stuco!

2009-08-30T10:27:00.000-07:00

We've got DRYYYYYYWALL (!) Last thursday I went to take pictures of the house. My two friends from law school went with me and they busied themselves talking about work and car stuff while I took pictures. (Man, I feel so old sometimes. What on earth did I talk about when I was 15? No clue. Nowadays I count it as a delightful evening if there's a tart, coffee, and discussions about either insurance, health care, mortages, cars, work, or debt.) Anyway, for some reason - we don't have the best sunsets here - it's not at all like it is in Tucson. So, last night's sunset was a real treat. My friends were kind enough to wait while I ran around with my camera pointed toward the sky, screaming, "WOW!" "COOOOOOOOL" "OHMIGOSH! THE COLOR!! THE COLOR!"

Update: The last photo (with the 1st layer of stuco) is from Saturday

River Deep, Mountain High

2009-08-26T20:44:00.001-07:00

Man, what the heck is up with the celebrity deaths this summer!??

I was sad to hear Ellie Greenwich died today. To be honest - when I saw that she had died, it didn't come immediately to my mind who she was exactly. But when the news sites listed allllll her songs - great memories came back in waves.

When I was a young girl and early teen (before N*Sync got their claws into my nimble mind) I often listened to the Bay Area's oldies station - 99.7 KFRC. As I got older, my interest in the 60s spread to other areas besides its music - mainly politics.

I started my 'research,' however, on the 1960s with Dad and Mom's yearbooks. I used to spend hourrrrs flipping through the pages, studying all the various and complicated hairdos the girls had. After all, all I could muster in the morning were bangs. While I turned all those pages with black-and-white pictures (a WHOLE page for the Homecoming Queen portrait), I'd hear music from KFRC in my head.

Back to the music: I have no idea why I was listening to the oldies when I was 11 years old. It might have been because between 1993ish and 1997 there was a giant vortex where teen pop fell in to and the only life preserver us teenage girls had to hold to was No Doubt and Mariah Carey. The point is that once I turned the dial, I stayed there. Cuz the oldies, especially Ellie Greenwich's songs - they got it. Those songs were about how I felt, mannnnn. Other kids my age got the music too.

In high school, kids would gather and plan elaborate 20-minute long skits with music and dance. The competition was called FANTASTICS. More often than not, Ellie Greenwich's songs were featured - like, "My Boyfriend's Back."

Totally infectious. How can you NOT get up and dance? Ms. Greenwich was a brilliant songwriter.

Psalms

2009-08-26T10:16:00.000-07:00

Psalm 34:1-14 (NRSV)

I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. Look to him, and be radiant; so your faces shall never be ashamed. This poor soul cried, and was heard by the LORD, and was saved from every trouble. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. O taste and see that the LORD is good; happy are those who take refuge in him. O fear the LORD, you his holy ones, for those who fear him have no want. The young lions suffer want and hunger, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Which of you desires life, and covets many days to enjoy good? Keep your tongue from evil, and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it.

Senator Ted Kennedy 1933-2009

2009-08-25T23:03:00.000-07:00

From CNN:

But while the White House eluded his grasp, the longtime Massachusetts senator was considered one of the most effective legislators of the past few decades. Kennedy, who became known as the "Lion of the Senate," played major roles in passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964, the Voting Rights Act of 1965, the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act and the 1993 Family and Medical Leave Act, and was an outspoken liberal standard-bearer during a conservative-dominated era from the 1980s to the early 2000s.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/08/26/obit.ted.kennedy/index.html

Potential Clinical Trial

2009-08-25T19:27:00.000-07:00

THIS POST IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. The RED WRITING = CLINICAL TRIAL IN LANGUAGE THAT NON-SCIENTISTS CAN UNDERSTAND.

I'm doing it for myself and hopefully it'll help others.

Editor's Note: Before you read any clinical trial stuff - first get the proper song in your head. It'll help keep you entertained (no offense to science people!)

Now, Imagine you're helping MacGyver. But instead of helping him save a town by unwrapping chocolate bars before placing them on a cracked tank of acid, you're helping him by reading this clinical trial stuff.

Sample Description of a Clinical Trial

(ClinicalTrials.gov)

Purpose:
Evaluate the efficacy of Abraxane in first line chemotherapy of patients with hormone refractory metastatic prostate cancer, based on prostate specific antigen (PSA) response

Docs want to know Abraxane's capacity to produce an effect in men with HRPCa, who have never had chemo before and are just starting now. Docs will monitor effectiveness by looking at the PSA.

Condition: Prostate Cancer

Intervention: Drug: Abraxane

Phase: Phase II

From Wikipedia (it's true...right...?)

Once the initial safety of the study drug has been confirmed in Phase I trials, Phase II trials are performed on larger groups (20-300) and are designed to assess how well the drug works, as well as to continue Phase I safety assessments in a larger group of volunteers and patients. When the development process for a new drug fails, this usually occurs during Phase II trials when the drug is discovered not to work as planned, or to have toxic effects.

Phase II studies are sometimes divided into Phase IIA and Phase IIB.
Phase IIA is specifically designed to assess dosing requirements (how much drug should be given).
Phase IIB is specifically designed to study efficacy (how well the drug works at the prescribed dose(s)).

Some trials combine Phase I and Phase II, and test both efficacy (capacity to produce an effect) and toxicity.

Study Type: Interventional

Study Design: Treatment, Non-Randomized, Open Label, Uncontrolled, Single Group Assignment, Safety/Efficacy Study

Official Title: Phase II Trial of Abraxane in Front Line Therapy of Hormone Refractory

Primary Outcome Measures: Evaluate the efficacy of Abraxane in first line chemotherapy of patients with [ Time Frame: August 2008 ] [ Designated as safety issue: Yes ]hormone refractory metastatic prostate cancer, based on prostate specific antigen (PSA) response [ Time Frame: August 2008 ] [ Designated as safety issue: Yes ]

Secondary Outcome Measures: Evaluate the effect of Abraxane on,Time to PSA progression, Measurable tumor response rate (if measureable disease at baseline), Overall survival [ Time Frame: August 2008 ] [ Designated as safety issue: No ]Evaluate the toxicity of Abraxane in this group of patients. [ Time Frame: August 2008 ] [ Designated as safety issue: Yes ]

Estimated Enrollment:56

Study Start Date: August 2005

Estimated Study Completion Date: August 2008

Primary Completion Date:October 2007 (Final data collection date for primary outcome measure)

Intervention Details: Drug: Abraxane This is a Phase II single-arm study for first-line chemotherapy of patients with hormone refractory metastatic prostate cancer. Eligible patients will be chemotherapy naive and will receive weekly Abraxane 100mg/m2 IV over 30 minutes. These will be 4-week cycles with patients receiving Abraxane 100 mg/m2 weekly for 3 weeks and one week off for rest. Patients will continue on therapy until disease or PSA

Detailed Description: Taxanes are the most widely tested and effective chemotherapy drugs for hormone refractory prostate cancer.

Weekly paclitaxel was reported to produce 25-39% PSA responses in first line and up to 33% in second line chemotherapy of patients with prostate cancer in early clinical trials (1, 2). Paclitaxel activity in prostate cancer is schedule dependent, and weekly paclitaxel was reported to produce highest response rates (1, 2).

Docetaxel was recently approved by the Food and Drug Administration for treatment of hormone refractory metastatic prostate cancer, since it is the only chemotherapy drug with documented improvement in survival in this group of patients. Docetaxel was associated with 45.8% overall grade 3/4 toxicities and it has to be given with steroid pre-medication. This regimen might be difficult to use in advanced prostate cancer patients that are often elderly and with multiple co-morbid conditions.

ABI-007 [Abraxane™ (paclitaxel protein-bound particles for injectable suspension) (albumin-bound)] is the first in its class of biologically interactive albumin-bound forms of chemotherapy (3). This composition provides a novel approach of increasing intra-tumoral concentration of the drug by a receptor-mediated transport process allowing transcytosis across the endothelial cell wall, thereby breaching the blood/tumor interface. This albumin-specific receptor mediated process involves the binding of a specific receptor (gp60) on the endothelial cell wall, resulting in activation of a protein caveolin-1, which initiates an opening in the endothelial wall with formation of a little caves or caveolae, with transport of the albumin-bound chemotherapeutic complex via these caveolae to the underlying tumor interstitium (4). A protein specifically secreted by the tumor (SPARC) binds and entraps the albumin, allowing release of the hydrophobic drug to the tumor cell membrane. ABI-007 is the first biologically interactive albumin-bound chemotherapy agent leveraging this gp-60/caveolin-1/caveolae/Sparc pathway to increase intra-tumoral concentration of the drug and reduce the amount of the toxic chemotherapy in normal tissue.

Preclinical studies comparing Abraxane to paclitaxel demonstrated lower toxicities, with a maximum tolerated dose (MTD) approximately 50% higher for Abraxane (7) compared to paclitaxel (11). At equal doses there was less myelosuppression and improved efficacy than paclitaxel in a xenograft tumor model of human mammary adenocarcinoma. Clinical studies confirmed improved toxicity profile and higher response rates, in metastatic breast cancer, of Abraxane compared to cremophor EL paclitaxel (Taxol) (5, 8). The weekly regimen was shown to be active even in patients with cancers refractory to paclitaxel, docetaxel or when Abraxane was given after both agents (8).

Eligibility
Ages Eligible for Study: 18 Years and older
Genders Eligible for Study: Male
Accepts Healthy Volunteers: No

Criteria
Inclusion Criteria:

Histopathologically or cytologically proven adenocarcinoma of the prostate metastatic to the bones or lymph nodes as documented by bone scan or CT scan with evidence of progression despite standard hormonal management (orchiectomy, GNRH agonist, or GNRH antagonist-hormone refractory). No major organ allowed
No prior chemotherapy
For patients who have been on anti-androgen therapy, patients must have progressive disease after anti-androgen withdrawal (6 weeks biclutamide or nilutamide, 4 weeks for flutamide).
PSA progression is defined as rising PSA.

Exclusion Criteria:

Active malignancy other than non-melanoma skin cancer within 5 years of enrollment.
Significant active medical illness which in the opinion of the investigator will preclude treatment.
Brain metastasis, any non-bone metastasis except lymph node metastasis

Clinical Trials

2009-08-25T19:11:00.000-07:00

Hmm....soo.....I think clinical trials are important. To put it plainly, clinical trials help scientists 'figure stuff out.'

Of course everybody wants to 'get on board the gravy-train headed to the cure' of whatever clinical trial/research group that CURES cancer, like that grapefruit lady, right?

But not everybody can fit on that train. Allllll not aboard, bucko!!! haha. Trials are verrrrry specific about who is allowed in the trial. Doctors want to know how a drug affects men who have a mid-range gleason score with metastises to the lower organs but not the bones, who have never been treated with radiation, and who have a history of prostate cancer in their family. You get the idea.

Gone are the days were we line up the kiddies to test out the polio vaccine (am I wrong on that one? I think I'm right...too tired to look that whole scene up).

ANYWAY

Even if the clinical trial isn't zexxxy, they're still important. There was a member at a church we used to go to who donated his body to Stanford University (to be collected...after he died). He used to crack jokes, "I finally got into Stanford." Still cracks me up when I think about it.

WHICH brings me to my reason for this post - Dad might enroll in a Clinical Trial.

I'm going to post the Clinical Trial that he might do. I'll write what I THINK stuff means like this (do these words mean this?)

It'll be kinda fun...like a long puzzle. I guess I'll start searching for medical terminology references that will help with the decoding.

Hopefully it'll help anybody reading this when they encounter clinical trials.

Update:
Lord have mercy. Why didn't I YouTube first. I coulda just posted this picture of this little blonde lady talking about clinical trials before I wrote about it.

Waiting Rooms

2009-08-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

Wow. Dana Jennings wrote a beautiful column about his experience with Radiation and Oncology.

If you know somebody about to be treated in either/both of these departments I wouldn't necessarily expect the same experience as whatever hospital Mr. Jennings was at.

Umm..
one of MY
favorite
books of
ALL
TIME.
Thanks,
Mr. Rogers!

Remember: it's all relative. There might be differences of experiences at radiation/oncology due to: the other patients and family members who are there that day, staff, who your dad is and his 'outlook,' the architecture of the building (I'm not kidding!) and possibly what the weather is like that day (course, I never understood that part - when funerals happen and the birds are chirping people treat it as a sign (a new day!) and when it rains it's a sign (God is saddddd)...HEY...it's all relative, folks)

Pissily enough, the biggest reason for different experiences at Radiation and/or Oncology is probably just due to

The health care plan you have.

After my Dad got back from his first radiation session, he couldn't stop raving about the 'zen-like' atmosphere at Kaiser's Radiation center in South San Francisco. There was running water flowing over fountains and lush carpets and "valet-frickin-parking!!!" (Jo and I get this easily-impressed gene from Dad. Treat me to a movie and my heart is yours forever.)

Whispers From the Cancer Foxhole
By Dana Jennings
The New York Times
August 17, 2009

Most of us know the stupefying frieze of a typical medical waiting room, whether it’s an understaffed zoo of a blood lab or the unruly den run by your primary care physician. There’s the galling blare of the television (I have to admit that I just don’t get Rachael Ray and her fans who clap and cheer for recipes), the graveyard of old and tattered magazines (I sat in one waiting room where you can graze on copies of Country Music Weekly from 1992), and the barely suppressed sighs of impatience and indignation.

........

In those waiting rooms, I feel as if I’m trapped at a small airport in a minuscule country where the government has just been overthrown, and I’m trying to catch the last plane out.

But in the waiting rooms of oncology — diagnosticians and surgeons, chemotherapy and radiation — almost no one speaks in a normal conversational voice except for the employees. In those rooms, we all know that none of us managed to catch that last plane out.

On the Road

2009-08-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

Whoa. Busy Weekend.

Last Friday I was treated to dinner by some friends who just got back from a medical aid trip in central america. I got to see some great pictures of some beautifullll country and its people and I heard all about what they learned. It was super fun! My eyes have nearly recovered too - we forgot to turn off the fan before an onion was chopped up. hahaha. Ooops. But it was deeeelish.

Then Saturday - Mom and dad came up for the weekend. We went to check on the house and had a lovely late lunch at Panda Express (this is the place I was CONVINCED I saw Nick Lachey's brother - the Dancing with the Stars guy - but turns out he was just a Russian doppelganger).

For Sunday - we went to a few furniture stores and landed in Roseville at the Galleria. Whoa. Urban Sprawl at its finest. Where do these people work? I don't get it. Rush Hour in Sacramento is only 25 minutes, after all. We ended up buying a living room set. (By WE I mean Mom and Dad). It's beautifullllllllll. Mom and I came home and I convinced mom to treat herself to a manicure and pedicure (and me too..mwa-ha-ha). Then I went to another friends' house and watched True Blood.

Here's the chair:

This weekend Dad also decided to let me drive the minivan. As of now, Dad technically could keep driving. Somedays he just feels more tired than others. So on those days - if he wants me to drive, I'll drive. Another reason to let me start taking over driving duties is that we're still waiting on the handicap tag from the State. Until we have that, it makes more sense for me to drive and let them off at the store while I go find a park.

Still - for dad to give up the keys...it isn't a small thing. It's huge. Anybody who's had to have the "when do you stop driving conversation" with a parent knows what I'm talking about.

I knew that conversation would come but I didn't think I'd have that conversation when I was 25 years old.

Like a lot of men (and women), Dad likes driving. The man has driven since he was like...14 years old. Like Britney Spears said, Dad would say, "we're country." He'd drive his Grandma Joanna Winfrey to church. They'd go over the rickety Rainbow Bridge and as he'd tell it he'd just holler out, "Hold onnnnnn Gramma!"

With me, unlike Sister who begggggged Dad to teach her to drive, I didn't show any interest in driving until I was 19. So when I finally asked him to teach me to drive - at the Cabrillo Community College parking lot and up and down E. 14th in the east bay - he said a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he could breathe a sigh of relief. He had taught me to drive. He had succeeded on a crucial father responsibility.

So, we've established that Dad likes driving. But...he also likes backseat driving (in all truthfulness - he isn't that bad of a backseat driver at all. I'm a horrrrendous offender). With this in mind, I decided another amendment was needed. It's at the bottom and in italics.

Article I
Cancer lets you make the most of it - to let IT go.

Legislative Interpretation of Article I
Cancer doesn't make you just benevolently let go of IT. No. That's insane to never feel frustrated. Insane. Cancer just enables you not make a big deal about stuff...to people's faces.

Amendment I
Article II shall stand unless IT concerns financial problems like health insurance.
Then you turn into Rambo.

Amendment II

Article II shall stand unless IT concerns driving dad's minivan.

Legislative Interpretation of Amendment II

Dad thinks he knows the way to get to a destination better than you, despite the fact that you LIVE in the town you're traveling in and he doesn't and you once had a job that required you to drive 600 city miles a week. THEN, it is permissible to not let IT go so that you may rebuke occasional backseat driving. But say it with a smile.

New House! Week 4 and 5

2009-08-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

Screaming on the Inside

2009-08-22T18:22:00.001-07:00

Well, so much for letting go of the small stuff....HEY. I said cancer makes you inclined to let go of the small stuff...right? Right? lol Perhaps I should amend my earlier post and clarify. Whyyyyyyy?

The universe just told me that the unfortunate side effect of letting IT go and not being 'snappy' with people is that you end up hearing somebody talk about the flu for 20 minutes on what should have been a 2 second call.

Article I

Cancer lets you make the most of it - to let IT go.

Legislative Interpretation of Article I

Cancer doesn't make you just benevolently let go of IT. No. That's insane to never feel frustrated. Insane. Cancer just enables you not make a big deal about stuff...to people's faces.

Amendment 1

Article II shall stand unless IT concerns financial problems like health insurance.

Then you turn into Rambo.

I was on the phone today with a young woman who was responsible for helping me with paper work. The woman just went on and on and onnnnnnn about having the flu all week. I thought, "Lady...I just want....to tell you what I need for this paperwork stuff and get off the phone. My parents just got here, there's a dog running around getting into everything, it isn't my problem that you can't find the papers."

Then more details about being sick. Colors of green she turned, fever temps, how she felt, what a coworker said, how long it lasted, when it started, how she thinks she got it. Everything.

I started whimpering in my head. What do you say? You can just nod and hum and go "Oh that's terribleeeee"

Then more details about the rest of the family being sick all week.

Then I started screaming...inside my head. I let her talk.

It reminded me of a scene I always loved from Seinfeld.

Larry King Live Tonight - Prostate Cancer Special

2009-08-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

The Prostate Cancer Foundation Chairman, Colin Powell, Joe Torre, John McEnroe and Dr. Christopher Rose are on Larry King Live tonight to talk about being dudes.

Naw, not really. Well kinda.

They're on to talk about Prostate Cancer. Woooo!!! Exciting stuff!

Watch it tonight at 6:00pm PACIFIC on CNN.

The Public Option

2009-08-19T20:51:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Bill Clinton!

2009-08-19T20:12:00.000-07:00

Today is Bill Clinton's birthday - he's...ummm...over 60 years old?

Yeah yeah yeahhhhh...I've heard it. Some people don't like him. I don't care. La-la-la-la-la I don't hear you. I'll allllways love him. Flaws and all. I was 8 years old when he won the 1992 election. In 2006, after sister graduated from grad school in Oklahoma, Dad, Mom and I visited family in Kansas. Since it was a favorite activity in the house when I was growing up - talking about the Clinton Presidency - we first took a detour through Arkansas and went on a Billgrimage.

That's right.

Billgrimage 2006

Clinton Museum
1992 Campaign Headquarters
Rose Law Firm
State Capitol
Governor's Mansion
BBQ place where the 1992 campaign staff ate at
House Bill and Hillary lived in while he was Attorney General
House they got married in (fayetville)

Bonus Round: Wal-Mart museum in Bentonville.

This was the place I actually saw a sign that said something like, 'An answer to Wal-Mart critics. Critique: Wal-Mart doesn't treat employees well Answer: We have employee appreciation days.' I tried to get a picture but Mom hussled me out before I got my ass kicked by Wal-Mart museum volunteers.

Shuddddupppp. Some people watch baseball. Let me have my Clinton.

Happy Birthday, Bill!

http://ashleycecil.com/

Making the Most of It

2009-08-19T10:46:00.001-07:00

I've always gotten along with my dad. Always. He's one of my best friends.

To calm his fears about me out there in the world without him, when I went to college I texted him every night, "Home, Locked, Luv." Friends looked at me like I was crazy - to be "chained dowwwwwnnn by the mannnn" - but I didn't mind. It took me 2 seconds to do and the man, after all, was paying for my college education. It was the least I could do. So I let him know I'm safe at night. I still do it.

I even text him that I'm safe and home for the night when I'm not realllllly at home but at an all-night rave with lots and lots of illegal activity and ATM's with withdrawl fees and boys.

So, though we get along splendidly, my point is that, as within any family, there have always been times when we don't get along.

CAROLINE: "I'M NOT RUNNING AROUND AT 2AM WITH THUGS. YOU NEED TO TAKE A CHILL PILL AND RELAX. If I were gone, my roommate wouldn't think to call you guys until at least 12 hours after I was gone and everybody knows those 12 hours are crucial to finding a missing person. So there's nothing you can do. So chill."

DAD: "Getting a D in algebra for the second time is not acceptable. The DEFINITION OF INSANITY IS DOING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT."

So...

I was kinda stunned when I realized last night that since he was diagnosed - we haven't had cross words with each other. At all.

Even for me, even for dad, that's a long time. A whole year of just laughter and making the most of it.

You always hear people say that life is too short to hold grudges and anger in your heart with regards to the people you love. I really believe that. But it's hard to remind yourself to do that everyday. To just let IT go. That guy that cut you off on the highway really should get that honk from your horn, right? That'll show him, RIGHT?

But Cancer helps you let IT go. It just wipes away the daily annoying crap we all deal with and do to each other. Cancer makes you live in the moment and smell the roses.

Cancer makes you live a better life......in a very sad way.

TOP SECRET

2009-08-18T11:46:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned earlier - I'm on leave from law school. I'm temping right now so I can have some flexibility. I want a full-time job. I need a full time job. There's about 4 reasons the temping gig is better right now. One of them (but not the biggest reason): the house is supposed to be done in November but it's going up sooooo fast it might be done earlier.

So where am I temping?
Can't tell!
But, it's related to criminal defense and it's data entry. That's it. That's all I can say. It's interesting though.....to say the least.

So, starting at a computer 40 hours a week can get.....tiring.

The last couple of weeks I've been overdoing it with the espresso shots. Umm...6 a day too much? That, coupled with the heat and not enough sleep and not enough water made me super dehydrated.

I went to San Francisco last weekend to visit sis and parents (PICTURES, SIS?? Heeelu?) and on the way back on Sunday I felt a headache coming on. By the time I got to Dixon it was a full blown migraine and panic attack. I'd nevvvver had a migraine before. I found out they differ from regular headaches in that they make you want to RIP YOUR HEAD OFF and throw it at anybody in your face. The panic attack was just from.....everything going on.

A milllllllllion thoughts in my head and things to do and nowhere to put them.

Dad
Mom
Sis
Chemo
La-z-boys
House
My financial situation
My career
Men
World Hunger
The Universe

So I got a friend to drive me to the E.R. (yayyy for contributing to rising health care costs)

The docs gave me an IV of fluids and big bazooka of headache and nausea meds. I went home. I'm now glugging down gatorade and just....... 5 cups of regular coffee.

Lesson Learned:

Take care of myself
Don't crawl in a hole
1 day at a time
Blow dry my hair now (it actually helps - if you look like a schlep you will BE a schlep)

Don't get squirmy. It's health-related. And awesome.

2009-08-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

Good grief. What is wrong with me. I've only posted 10 items this month and it's already the 15th. Must....get....back....on....wagon.

I'm in SF right now - visiting parentals and seeing sis before she leaves tomorrow morning for the east coast again.

Today - Mom and I went to 'Gay Safeway' for some things - it's the nickname of that Safeway cuz it's in the Castro. It's full of old gay men being smug about being in love. Then, across town there's 'Yuppie Safeway.' It's full of rich straight people being smug about being in love. Then, in between, there's Whole Foods. It's full of people who love produce being smug about produce.

Actually - nobody is smug. People here in SF are just nice. It's easy to see why people confuse 'nice' with 'smug' It's a very similar texture of the smile.

ANYWAY

Right when mom and I were leaving Safeway....

I saw at the store entrance.......

CLARK PENIS!

Clark Penis is a mascott from San Francisco's Department of Public Health's campaign to get tested for Syphallis. There's Clark Penis, Byron Penis, and Pedro Penis. I made my mom stop the car so I could jump out and get a picture with Clark.

After I got my picture - some lady from Safeway came out and asked Clark and his friend to go away. That was lame. But....I can't knock Safeway totally for kicking out Clark. They DID raise 12million for Prostate Cancer. And, while we were in the store, the cashiers go on the P.A. system to announce when people donate to charities. I'm pretty sure it increases the amount of giving - people love getting cheered for.

So...to sum up my day.......

People in SF are not smug. They're just nice and calm. It can be confused with 'smug'
You go, SF Dep't of Public Health! Way to be creative about getting the word out (http://healthypenis.org/)

Safeway - you're raising a lot of great money for charity, including Prostate Cancer. Can't you let a 7 foot foam penis hang out for a while and spread the love?

Drugs, Drugs, Drugs, Drugs....DRUGS!

2009-08-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in prior posts - dad is starting biophosphate infusions soon. Biophosphate Infusions strengthen the bones - they're needed because prostate cancer that metastasizes to the bones and androgen deprivation therapy (used to fight the PCa) weakens the bones.

I emphatically encourage you to read this article and do some more research on the drug!

I'll post again once I find out about expected release dates.

Amgen Bone Drug Prevents Fractures in Prostate Cancer
by David Olmos
August 11, 2009
www.bloomberg.com

Aug. 11 (Bloomberg) -- Amgen Inc.’s osteoporosis drug denosumab prevented fractures and strengthened bones in men taking hormone therapy for prostate cancer, according to a study released as U.S. advisers consider whether to recommend the treatment’s approval for sale.

......

The denosumab results mark the first large, rigorous study to look at fracture prevention in men with prostate cancer, Smith said.

The findings may help make denosumab the first drug approved in the U.S. specifically for bone loss and fractures in prostate cancer patients, Amgen has said. The FDA is set to post its staff review of Amgen’s application today, in preparation for the advisory panel meeting.

.....

Denosumab hasn’t been associated with some of the side effects of bisphosphonates, such as nausea, esophagitis and heartburn and acid reflux, which lead many patients to stop taking the medications, said Eric Schmidt, an analyst at Cowen and Co., in July 27 note to investors.

.....

Serious complications, such as infections, heart attacks or strokes were reported in almost 35 percent of patients on denosumab compared with about 31 percent on placebo. Serious side effects related to infection were reported in 5.9 percent of denosumab patients compared with 4.6 percent in the placebo group, the study found.

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601124&sid=arUcfiAyEE8M

Summer Means Spiders

2009-08-11T19:04:00.000-07:00

Meet my new neighbor.......Charolotte? Is that you? 'She' is about the size of a silver dollar. Ughhh......

Bye bye Ms. Spider....I had to do it, it was either her or me. I looked him/her up and it was either a hobo spider or a brown recluse, or another one. ACKK! Grampy got bit by a brown recluse about 4 years ago and it was NOT pretty.

Last Day of Radiation

2009-08-07T21:34:00.001-07:00

Today Dad had his last day of radiation. He had a total of 10 days of zap! zing! pow! to his hip(s).
5 days this week and 5 days last week.

The radiation oncologist warned Dad that he might get burn marks near the zap sight but so far he hasn't had any. Phewww.

My sister Jo is flying in tonight to spend time with the parentals and also attend a wedding of two of her college friends.

Jo, Mom, and Dad are coming up to tomorrow to see me here in Sacramento.

Update 8/20:
Dad didn't notice anything different the first week of radiation. Towawrds the end of the 2 weeks though Dad was feeling realllllly shitty. Like, "leave me alone" shitty. The man is alwayyyys talking, after all. So when he stops talking...he feels shitty.

After a few days with the heatpad on his pelvis he felt a little better. Still, the foggggggy San Francisco weather isn't helping things - the cold, damp air it makes bones hurt. That's why getting to Sacramento is so important. So, they're here every week now, not just because of mom's job, but to give Dad some relief.

Know the Enemy!!!!

2009-08-07T15:23:00.000-07:00

James D. Watson - Nobel Peace Prize Winner for helping to discover the FRIGGIN DOUBLE HELIX IN DNA - recently wrote an Op-Ed for the New York Times about ice cream.

Naw, just kidding. He wrote his Op-Ed about Cancer and the direction of research in the field.

His Op-Ed is related to (but not part of the same series) a past article in the June 28, 2009 article in the NYT entitled, "Playing it Safe in Cancer Research" http://www.nytimes.com/2009/06/28/health/research/28cancer.html?fta=y

Dr. Watson writes, "To develop [miracle drugs that stop most metastatic cancer cells], we may have to turn our main research focus away from decoding the genetic instructions behind cancer and toward understanding the chemical reactions within cancer cells."

To Fight Cancer, Know the Enemy
Op-Ed by James D. Watson
The New York Times
August 5, 2009

.....In the late 1940s, when I was working toward my doctorate, the top dogs of biology were its biochemists, who were trying to discover how the intermediary molecules of metabolism were made and broken down.

After my colleagues and I discovered the double helix of DNA, biology’s top dogs then became its molecular biologists, whose primary role was finding out how the information encoded by DNA sequences was used to make the nucleic acid and protein components of cells. Clever biochemists must again come to the fore to help us understand the cancer cell chemically as well as we do genetically.

While the major pharmaceutical and biotechnology corporations have the financial means to exploit their most promising drug candidates, that is not true of many of the smaller biotechnology companies that are doing highly innovative work. Their financing from venture-capital firms has drastically dwindled in this recession. The National Cancer Institute should come to their rescue, providing funds that will let their products move through animal testing to the exploratory phases of clinical testing in humans.

At the same time, the institute should provide much more money to major research oriented cancer centers to let them take on the low probability-high payoff projects that pharmaceutical giants and, increasingly now, the big biotech companies almost reflexively turn down.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/06/opinion/06watson.html

Take it with a Grain of Salt

2009-08-05T21:17:00.000-07:00

So...you're reporting that Grapefruit Juice is the new miracle and can get rid of your cancer? Really!?! 1/3 of 25 people enrolled in a study showed positive results after drinking grapefruit juice and this woman was the only one with such dramatic results? Ughhh......hype reporting. And...finally...this woman has been enrolled in other clinical trials?! But...she's drinking grapefruit juice with each one?

Wait...I'm confused....So. basically.....we still don't know anything....sighhhhh....lazy reporting.

Grapefruit juice found to give cancer treatment a boost Doctors say chemicals in juice prevent enzyme from breaking down certain drugs, boosting their effects
The Chicago Tribune
By Vanessa McMains

"[The doctor] told me I had three years -- if lucky, five -- to live," she said. Having endured four surgeries and intensive radiation treatment, Duggan enrolled in clinical trials as a last resort
.........

Five years later, the 41-year-old mother of four has defied expectations: Her tumors have shrunk by half and doctors no longer are setting limits on her life expectancy.
..........
Unlike most beverages, grapefruit juice contains a chemical that boosts the potency of many drugs in the body. To avoid a dangerously high dose of medication, patients are often advised to not wash down pills with grapefruit juice.
.......

Cohen said about a third of the 25 patients enrolled in the study long enough to be evaluated have seen their tumors stop growing while on the treatment, with Duggan the most dramatic example.
.......

Most of the other participants have cancers of the kidney or prostate that
have reacted well to rapamycin in past studies. Duggan's rare cancer, which involves blood vessels, apparently also is responsive to the drug.
........
"Once a week I take my rapamycin and that is the day that is hardest because I feel fatigued, but I sleep it off," said Duggan, who has been enrolled in the trial since March 2008.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/health/chi-grapefruit-juice-05-aug05,0,6638826.story

Cooking and Baking

2009-08-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

Banana Bread. These suckers kept me up all night!

Tortellini Soup - a family favorite. Tortellini, Zuchhini,
Spicy Sausage, Carrots, Basil, Oregano, Tapatio

About to make a salad

Chocolate cake - before frosting. I made this for friends and sent it home with them. Evil, evil chocolate cake. At least it was low-sugar and made with splenda.

12 Million - June 2009 alone!

2009-08-04T00:08:00.000-07:00

Safeway raises $12M for prostate cancer research
San Francisco Business Times
by Sarah Duxbury

Safeway raised $12 million for prostate cancer research in June.
The 1,700-store grocery chain regularly turns to its shoppers and employees to raise money for different causes, and this was the ninth June devoted to prostate cancer awareness. That brings to almost $54 million that the company has helped raise for the disease over nine years.
The $12 million that Safeway brought in last month will fund research by the Prostate Cancer Foundation. In particular, it will fund the following areas:
The Safeway Thermal Enhanced Metastatic Therapy program.
PCF-Safeway challenge awards, which are three-year grants to fund cross-disciplinary research.
PCF-Safeway creativity awards, a new one-year grant that supports
unconventional ideas.
Safeway eminent scholars, grants which go to promising young researchers in the prostate cancer field.
Breast cancer research is another major philanthropic focus for Safeway, and the company has also raised money for Easter Seals.
http://sanfrancisco.bizjournals.com/sanfrancisco/stories/2009/07/20/daily49.html?surround=etf

House - Week 3!

2009-08-03T23:54:00.001-07:00

It's like Reading Rainbow, but this week's books aren't as jovial.

2009-08-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

Nancy Peress, manager of 'The Circle' e-mail list (who I've described here before as a goddess of prostate cancer advocacy) just e-mailed to the group a list of books about/related to Prostate Cancer.

The list was originally compiled by Michael Dorso MD and with the help of many 'Circlers'. Nancy maintains this list, with the help of others, on the Circle website: http://www.prostatepointers.org/circle/full.html

I'm going to post her message below and also the list of books (I edited down her list) she and others have compiled.

Finally - if there's something in one of these books (like the nutrition ones) about eating saltines to cure your cancer or something - take it with a grain of salt and do more homework.

Happy Reading!

LIST OF BOOKS (Abridged and Edited from Original List)

NUTRITION, ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS....
Beating Cancer With Nutrition - Revised By Patrick Quillin, Noreen Quillin (Contributor)Paperback, 352 pages, 2001, ISBN 0963837281
American Cancer Society Guide to Complementary Alternative Cancer
Methods. American Cancer SocietyHard cover ISBN 0-944235-29-8Soft Cover ISBN 0-944235-24-7
Return to Wholeness: Embracing Body, Mind, and Spirit in the Face of Cancer. By David Simon, M.D.
TOXIC BEAUTY: How Cosmetics and Personal-Care Products Endanger YourHealth...And What You Can Do About It. by Samuel S. Epstein, MD with Randall Fitzgerald Benbellas Books, Inc., Dallas, TX Copyright 2009 ISBN 978-1933771-62-5.
The What To Eat If You Have Cancer Cookbook; Over 100 Easy-To Prepare Recipes For Patients And Their Families And Caregivers. By Maureen Keane, M.S. and Daniella Chace, M.S.Paperback, 140 pages, 1997, ISBN 0809231298
Beating Cancer With Nutrition - Revised By Patrick Quillin, Ph.D., and Noreen Quillin. 352 pages, 2001, ISBN 0963837281
PRIMERS
Cancer By Arlene Cotter. 384 pages, 1999, Random House, ISBN 0375503099. Arlene Cotter overcame non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
Prostate Cancer for Dummies. By Paul H. Lange, MD, Chairman of Urologic Surgery, U of Washington2003, Wiley PublishingIBSN 0-7645-1974-3
The Prostate Cancer Treatment Book. by Peter Grimm, Peter Blasko, and John Sylvester. Paperback, 224 pages, 2003, McGraw-Hill, ISBN 0-07-142256-0
The ABC's Of Prostate Cancer; The Book That Could Save Your Life. By Joseph E. Osterling, & Mark A. MoyadPaperback, 356 pages, 1997, ISBN 1568330979. This book features messages of hope from over 50 well-known survivors of prostate cancer, including Bob Dole, Jerry Lewis, and Sidney Poitier.
Prostate and Cancer: A Family Guide To Diagnosis, Treatment, and Survival. Revised EditionBy Sheldon Marks, M.D.Paperback, 352 pages, 1999, ISBN 1555612067
The Prostate; A Guide For Men And The Women Who Love Them. By Patrick C. Walsh M.D. and Janet Farrar WorthingtonPaperback, 480 pages, 1997, ISBN 0446604321
Dr Patrick Walsh's Guide To Surviving Prostate Cancer By Patrick C. Walsh, M.D. & Janet Farrar WorthingtonHardcover, 352 pages, 2001, ISBN 0446526401
The American Cancer Society: Prostate Cancer, Revised EditionBy David G. Bostwick, M.D., Gregory T. Maclennan, M.D., and Thayne R.Larson, M.D.
A Primer On Prostate Cancer: The Empowered Patient's Guide. By Stephen B. Strum, M.D. and Donna PoglianoPaperback, 188 pages plus 8 appendices, 2002, Life Extension Foundation, ISBN 0-9658777-6-0
Cancer Battle Plan; Six Strategies For beating Cancer, From A Recovered Hopeless Case. By Anne E. Frahm, and David J. Frahm, contributor. Paperback 172 pages, Putnam Publishers, 1998, ISBN 087477893x
The Patient's Guide To Prostate Cancer; An Expert's Successful Treatment. Strategies and Options. By Marc B. Garnick, 1996 paperback Prostate Cancer; A Non-Surgical Perspective. By Kent Waller, M.D. Paperback 172 pages, 2nd edition: 2000, ISBN 0964899108, Large Print
A Revolutionary Approach To Prostate Cancer. Second Edition. Dr. Aubrey Pilgrim & E. David Crawford, M.D.Paperback 284 pages, 2001, ISBN 1585010154
PERSONAL ACCOUNTS.................
How We Survived Prostate Cancer: What We Did and What We Should Have Done. by Victoria HallermanPaperback: 208 pages, Newmarket Press, 2009) ISBN-10: 1557048193 ISBN-13: 978-1557048196
Heaven Can Wait -- Surviving Cancer. By Charlie Jones and Kim Doren. Soft cover. $16.95 -- 194 pages
A Gay Man's Guide to Prostate Cancer. Edited by Gerald Perlman, Ph.D. and Jack Dreshcer, MD183 pages, 2005 Harworth PressPaperback, ISBN 978-156023 553-8 Hardcover ISBN 978-1-56023=552-1
The Circles Of Love Collection: Personal Stories From Companions And Family Members Of Those Fighting Prostate Cancer. By Elizabeth CabalkaPaperback, 188 pages, 2005, ISBN 978-0-9744062-9-9
Seeds of Hope: A Physician's Personal Triumph Over Prostate Cancer. By Michael A. DorsoPaperback: 300 pages, Acorn Publishing; 2nd Rev edition (November 1, 2005), ISBN: 0977444910
Man To Man; Surviving Prostate Cancer. By Michael Korda, Random House Paperback, 272 pages, 1997, ISBN 0679448446
My Prostate And Me; Dealing With Prostate Cancer. By William Martin. Hardcover 246 pages, 1994, ISBN 1569778884
It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life. By Lance Armstrong, Sally Jenkins (Contributor)Hardcover 275 pages, 2000, ISBN 0399146113
Prostate Tales: Men's Experiences With Prostate Cancer. By Ross E. GrayPaperback, 192 pages, 2003, Men's Studies Press; ISBN 1931342008
INTIMACY............................
Making Love Again: Hope for Couples Facing Loss of Sexual Intimacy. By Virginia Laken, Keith LakenHardcover, 228 pages, 2002, ISBN 0965506789
The Lovin' Ain't Over; The Couples Guide To Better Sex After Prostate Disease. By Ralph and Barbara AlterowitzPaperback, 160 pages, 1999, ISBN 1883257034
The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido. by Michele Weiner Davis Paperback, 224 pages, Simon & Schuster, 2004ISBN-10: 0743252411 ISBN-13: 978-0743252416
Love, Sex, and PSA: Living And Loving With Prostate Cancer. By Robert Hitchcox and Betty Wilson, IllustratorPaperback, 109 pages, 1997, ISBN 0965973408
ADVANCED PROSTATE CANCER.............
How We Die; Reflections On Life's Final Chapter. By Sherwin B. Nuland. 1996, ISBN 0679742441, available on audiocassetteFinal Gifts;
Understanding The Special Awareness Needs And Communications Of The Dying. By Maggie Callahan and Patricia KellyPaperback, 1997, 239 pages, available large print, ISBN 0553378767

As a reminder - here's how to join The Circle mailing list:

Send Circle mailing list submissions tocircle@prostatepointers.org
To subscribe or unsubscribe via the World Wide Web, visit http://www.prostatepointers.org/mailman/listinfo/circleor, via email, send a message with subject or body 'help' tocircle-request@prostatepointers.org
You can reach the person managing the list atcircle-owner@prostatepointers.org When replying, please edit your Subject line so it is more specificthan "Re: Contents of Circle digest..."

Senator Dodd (D - CT) Early Stage PCa

2009-08-03T22:39:00.000-07:00

Senator Dodd (D - CT) was recently diagnosed with Prostate Cancer. Though it's been described as "early stage," there's no details on what the exact staging is.

I wish him well and good health in the future. And, if I were him, I'd utilize his recent experience (yeah, yeah, I know...'exploit') the hell out of this little development in his personal health (see article posted below for why)

Here's the entire post by Christopher Butler over at Examiner.com
(and *a-hem* I have no idea what Examiner.com is. All I know is that San Francisco used to have The Examiner and it's been sold, bought, and re-organized pretty often in the last 10 years)

www.examiner.com
Christopher Butler
August 2, 2009

Criticism over the embattled senior senator from Connecticut ceased Friday, as Christopher Dodd announced his diagnosis with prostate cancer. He is schedule for surgery in the near future, and because the cancer was discovered in its earliest stages, the prognosis for recovery has been positive for Dodd.

Dodd is currently seeking his fifth term in office, but has heard the cries for him to step down following the controversial AIG bonuses and recently the mortgages he and his wife received through the VIP program from Countrywide Financial, including his homes in Washington and East Haddam, Connecticut. His approval rating has fallen significantly during this period, and in a recent Quinnipiac Poll, Dodd remains behind Republican challenger for his senate seat, Rob Simmons, 48 percent to 39 percent.

Dodd’s health crisis may benefit his campaign, as he continuously pushes for heath care reform in Washington and the need for individuals to undergo annual physicals with their primary care physician. His cancer was initially discovered in a routine physical.

However, it remains unclear at this point how his health with affect his ability to reclaim his senate seat.

http://www.examiner.com/x-10326-Windham-County-Liberal-Examiner~y2009m8d2-CT-Senator-Dodd-Diagnosed-with-Prostate-Cancer

Yeah!

2009-07-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

GREAT NEWS! Phewwwwwwwwwwww.

We got the CT scan today - the cancer hasn't spread to Dad's organs.

What does this mean, exactly?

Well, when the cancer went rogue (hormone refractory) things just got verrrry uncertain. Things are still fuzzy. But now, we know there will be more of it. haha

And that's important!

These past few months, I have (and I know Dad and Mom and Sis have) reallllly learned the power of looking for the blessings where you can.

We don't know how much time we now have, we just know that there's more of it. More time to be together. That's it. That's the blessing and it's that simple. That very fact "strangely warms my heart."

So, the bone infusion will start in about 6 weeks instead of in 3 weeks. I think the Chemo will
start as planned. Dad just had his 3rd radiation treatment today (7 more) for his hip.

And, Dad is gonna still take it easy and we're all gonna start realllly focusing on getting his insides super healthy. That means I'm smacking that ice cream out of his hand and replacing it with brussel sprouts. Sorry, daddy-o.

And, the house will be built.

And, the garden will be planted.

God is GOOD.

I'm off to make a classmate a homemade dinner - she's in her THIRD summer session in law school (foolish girl!). Mom and dad are here this Friday.

Scars

2009-07-28T21:34:00.001-07:00

Dana Jennings - a man who writes a guest blog over at the The New York Times about his experiences battling PCa - wrote this past July 20 about Scars and the role and meaning of them.

How many scars do you have? I have at least 10. Yah!

Our Scars Tell the Stories of Our Lives
July 20, 2009
By Dana Jennings
The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/21/health/21case.html?_r=1

But for all the potential tales of woe that they suggest, scars are also signposts of optimism. If your body is game enough to knit itself back together after a hard physical lesson, to make scar tissue, that means you’re still alive, means you’re on the path toward healing.

.......

I find my abdominal scars to be the most profound. They vividly remind me that skilled surgeons unlocked me with their scalpels, took out what had to be taken, sewed me back up and saved my life. It’s almost as if they left their life-giving
signatures on my flawed flesh.

News on Vacay?

2009-07-28T18:55:00.000-07:00

Hmm....I'm not finding too much news on Prostate Cancer stuff on the WWW right now.

Maybe I'm tired? Or is it that I'm watching Season 2 of Mad Men right when I come home from work the past couple of days?

I'll get back to the PCa search soon....I'm off to check out the new house and if the 2nd story is up.